Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Abraham Lincoln Vampire HunterAbraham Lincoln lived a remarkable life.  He worked hard his whole life, freed America’s slaves, and re-united his country.

Oh… and he was also a bad-ass motherfucker who cut down hordes of Vampires with a silver-coated axe.

Every once in a while, a movie comes along where everything you need to know is in the title.  Snakes on a Plane, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Aliens…  every one of those movies tells you exactly what you’re going to see on screen.  Maybe there’s something more, maybe there isn’t.  But you know going in that you’re going to see some snakes on a plane, a chainsaw massacre located in Texas, and a shitload of fuckin’ aliens, man.

Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter is one of those movies.

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Found On the Internet: Cargo

 

I had to debate whether this was Found On the Internet or Fat Dad With Glasses material.  What am I supposed to do with all these emotions?  I haven’t felt like this since that goddamn trailer for Dead Island came out a couple years ago.

Watching Dead: Thoughts on Season 3

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Well, Season 3 of The Walking Dead is over, and I’m actually pretty disappointed in the show again.  This season came out roaring like a lion back in October, and stayed strong until the mid-season finale.  When it came back in February, though, it limped in like a lame lamb and, other than a few notable exceptions, what was supposed to be tension building up to an epic final confrontation, ended up being story stalling of a calibre I haven’t seen since watching Dragonball Z every day after supper in the basement of Joy Kidd House, back in University.

Seriously, Kakarot, How many days does it take to attack a Prison?

Seriously, Kakarot, How many days does it take to attack a Prison?

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Army of Darkness (1993)

Army_of_Darkness_poster (1)Army of Darkness is the final instalment of the original Evil Dead Trilogy.  After being tossed through a portal at the end of Evil Dead 2, Ash finds himself in England, in the year 1300.  At first he’s mistaken for an enemy clansman by Lord Arthur, but Ash quickly and hilariously proves himself to be “The Chosen One”.  He begins a quest to find the Necronomicon, “The Book of the Dead”, that started out all this mess in the first place two movies ago.  It goes about as well as can be expected… terribly.  Ash ends up waking an army of undead, an Army of Darkness, if you will… that leaves Medieval England up shit creek without a paddle…

Army of Darkness ends up completely abandoning whatever semblance of horror and seriousness that could still be found in Evil Dead 2, and instead chooses to go completely over the top with foolishness, camp and cheesey B-Movie greatness.  If Evil Dead 2 is tongue-in-cheek, Army of Darkness’ tongue has pierced through.

Somehow, Raimi and company pull it off again, and create one of the most entertaining, funny, exciting, quotable adventure movies ever made.

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The Evil Dead (1981)

tEDThe Evil Dead is the story of 5 University kids who visit a cabin in the woods, find a book bound in flesh and a reel-to-reel, and unleash an unspeakable evil on the world.  There are two young couples, Ash (Bruce Campbell) and Linda (Betsy Baker).  Scotty (Hal Delrich) and Shelly (Theresa Tilly), and Ash’s sister Cheryl (Ellen Sandweiss) comes along as a fifth wheel, because that is required of all Horror Movies.

The characters are archtypical on one hand, but still break the mold a bit.  Scotty is clearly a douche, and Ash is kind of a dork.  None of the women seem to burst out of the gate as whores, virgins or bookworms… but since Cheryl is the fifth wheel, and draws pictures, she’s clearly the bookworm.  She’s also the closest thing to a stick in the mud, so she can claim the Virgin card… until she’s raped by a tree, anyway.

Shortly after listening to the reel-to-reel, the ground starts smoking and possessions start happening, and the world basically turns to shit.  One by one the young college students become possessed by the evil they’ve unleashed, until only Ash remains.  He goes batshit fucking insane, and eventually defeats the demons with the power of Stop-Motion Animation.

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