Mattel & Funko are Evil.

I find it incredibly funny how things work sometimes.

I’m not exactly sure how old Funko’s Pop! Vinyl Figure line has been going, but I can remember what I said the first time I ever saw one.

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I was looking at a wall of Marvel and DC figures in Chibi form, with price tags in the $20 range.  They were sitting next to a shelf of dusty looking bobble-heads.  I noted this, because I thought next to shitty bobble-heads is exactly where this shitty set of Chibi Fantastic Four Folks belonged.

“You’ll never catch me buying one of those,” I said outloud to no one in particular.  I like to talk to myself, because being a huge neckbearded mother fucker looking at a wall of old toys doesn’t make me seem creepy enough.

Last year, though, I discovered they were making a Masters of the Universe set in their line.  I skimmed over a few articles on the subject.  The line was going to consist of He-Man, Skeletor, Hordak, She-Ra and Beast Man.   Nothing really shocking there, and I found myself giving only the smallest, casual sort of fuck about the line.

I never wrote about them, I never commented on them, I certainly never looked into what it would take to buy one of them.

So, how the fuck did I end up with one?

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Bike Lanes

Bike lanes anger me. I know, it’s hard to imagine me being angry about anything… but bike lanes definitely do it for me. Especially now that the world is in an energy crisis of catastrophic proportions, and my municipal government seems to think bike lanes will answer all the world’s fucking problems. But, of course, I can understand their logic. Suddenly, somehow, altering the flow of traffic in already heavily travelled areas will clearly turn oil into a clean burning renewable resource.

Pictured: All Your Problems Fucking Solved.
No. No way in hell.

Before you start crying to me about how cars are ruining the Earth, and we all need to recycle everything before we start living in the world of Soylent Green, I need you to understand something: I get that the theory is that with more bike lanes more people will use bikes, and that would mean less people would use cars. I get that the future is now. I get that we need to seize the day. I get that every little bit helps. I also get something that, in my opinion, is much more important to realize… at least when it comes to fucking with heavy traffic areas–and slowing down traffic flow–just to put in bike lanes. And what I get is this: Everyone who is going to ride a bike anywhere is already fucking doing it.

At this moment, there are now enough bike lanes in place on my trip to work that I could use them for all but one short block of travelling. I’m not going to. My wife’s not going to. Trying to rationalize paying road crews to paint new lanes and/or widen existing streets by saying more people will leave their cars at home is a flying crock of monkey shit.

But what about safety, you ask? How can you put a price on that? I’ll tell you how. It’s easy. Actual bike lanes are no fucking safer than unmarked ones, non-existent ones, or the fucking sidewalk. I say this because ever since I saw the first goddamn bike lane pop up in this shit town of mine, I’ve been watching. Every day… every single fucking day this summer… I’ve seen one or more of the following:

  • Assholes riding on the wrong side of the road.
  • Assholes riding without a helmet.
  • Assholes riding on the white fucking line that makes up the bike lane.
  • Assholes riding just outside the fucking bike lane.
  • Assholes completely ignoring traffic lights.
  • And one glorious asshole who was riding outside the bike lane, on the wrong side of the road, in the middle of traffic, into an oncoming traffic lane that had a green light.

Even the most safety conscious looking people, wearing helmets, pads, vests, and all sorts of shiny flashy shit, have been driving on the wrong side of the road, and/or ignoring general rules of traffic. You know, those tough calls that none of us know, like “What do you do at a red light?” and “Can I cross this intersection diagonally, because suddenly I think I’m a pedestrian now? I know the intersection isn’t even marked as a diagonal crosswalk, but it’s still cool, right?”

Safety is Job #1.Unless the light is red.

I’m mostly pissed about the whole thing because a road I frequent was formerly 4 lanes, 2 each way, until recently.  You were able to pass any slow idiot, school bus, or car turning left with the greatest of ease.  There was more than enough room in these wide lanes to have accommodated bikes.

Obviously, for the 30 or so years the road had been this way, it must have worked too well.  This summer they decided to add bike lanes, one on each side.  Now instead of 4 lanes, there’s 2 and a half.  One in each direction, and one of those genius dual left turn lanes.  Let me tell you… the people in this area are just not smart enough drivers to figure out a dual left turn lane.  There’s been some form of accident every week since they changed the lanes.

Also, now that school’s back in, you can get stuck behind a school bus stopping every quarter mile, and have absolutely no course to legally pass them.  Most people travelling this road travel it for 15 to 30 minutes with no traffic…  If they were to get stuck behind a school bus, and are headed out to the end of the road, their commute will double.  If the dumbasses I share this road with get frustrated at that traffic, something terrible is going to happen, I’m sure.

I’m not normally one to advocate stupid government red tape (except in the case of Machete Licenses), but I do think that the g-men should step in here.  I need to write a test to get a shiny piece of plastic so that I can drive my vehicle that could get someone killed in between the pretty painted lines they made for me… Why the fuck is it okay for some kid, or dumbfuck adult for that matter, to drive down their pretty painted lines on a vehicle that could get them killed without a shiny piece of plastic test of their own?  And it should cost an arm an a leg to get, too.  All the fees could go to the roadwork, and maybe the police force, so that they could afford to police the (as far as I’ve observed) near 100% rate of infractions per bicyclist in this fucking shitburg.

I’m sure all of you out there living in areas with millions of people, who deal regularly with the idea of taking 2 hours to drive a quarter mile, are laughing at me.  Well… you probably need to push bike lanes.  There’s, like, 6 million of you fucking idiots in a close area and you’re each driving a car.  If you throw together this “city” the 2 towns and 2 villages that make up my “Greater Metropolitan Area”… we might break 200k people.  We don’t need your fancy environmental solutions.  We still have fucking trees.  Although we do have a bunch of people bawling their fucking eyes out because we have one less tree now.  But that’s a different story…

Coming Soon: Give Trees A Chance.