Fat Dad With Glasses: WAKE UP, DA!

So, Charlotte is over 2 and a half years old now.  I’m sure you’ve heard about the terrible twos.  Kids do some of their craziest shit in their terrible twos.  They sing, they dance, they have no shame, they have no volume control what-so-ever, and they are more adept at recording and repeating your conversations in inappropriate situations than Macaulay Culkin with a fucking Talk-Boy.  Everyone that’s ever watched a family film, sit-com, or stand up comedian knows this.

But here at FGWG, I like to try and have your back.  I like to pass on information no one seems to want you to know.  Things like, breastfed infants projectile shitting distances of at least 6 feet with their diaper off.  No one warns you about that.  I thought the total surprises like that were the real danger.  I was wrong.  The real danger is the kind of stuff that you think might be over-exaggerated by others.  Surely certain kinds of behaviour can’t go on for years, with no end in sight.  Well, they can, and they probably will.

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Fat Dad With Glasses: Influence

With great power comes great responsibility.

So now that my darling little rugrat is approaching a year and a half old, she’s getting smart. She’s also starting to show interest in things on TV. She’s noticing how we’ll play certain ways with certain toys. Because I’m slow, and not very bright, I’m just starting to realize how unimaginably quick she is to notice things, remember things and repeat things. This means it’s high time to start exposing her to awesomeness in all its forms.

She hasn’t got a chance.

Over the past few months, with a little help from Mom & Dad, she’s started to develop several different favourites. Her favourite animals at the moment are raccoons, horses, frogs and bunnies. She absolutely loves reading any books. She now loves the classic cast of Sesame Street (Pre-Elmo, that is. Elmo can go tickle himself, for all I care.) She also likes Yo Gabba Gabba.

But thanks to yours truly, she’s also in love with stuff that is fucking awesome. One of her favourite toys is a Hulk action figure. When she picks it up, she shouts “HULK! RRRAAAARRRGHHHHH!” Her favourite cartoons are ’67’s Spider-man and She-Ra: Princess of Power. She practically loses her shit when their theme songs start. I tried getting her to watch He-Man and the Masters of the Universe first, but she had nothing to do with it. Maybe once she’s more interested in She-Ra’s origins… Also, on that sheet up there, she likes to point out Yoda. Why? ‘Cause he’s Yoda. Duh. Kids fucking love Yoda.

And now she’s awake.

You’re not seriously posting this are you, Dad?

Saving Daylight

So, this weekend, according to two or three of the calendars that I flipped over today anyway, is the start of Daylight Savings Time. Which means we’ll throw away another hour, to the benefit of no-one, for no real good reason.

A popular myth is that they started this crock of shit for the farmers, letting them have more daylight to work by or some shit. Except the fucking farmers have exactly the same amount of daylight to work with, whether we fuck around with our clocks or not. Just because we spin some little plastic shit a twelfth of a circle doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to the sun. It still rises and sets based on gravity and axises and our spinning and shit, just like always.

Whatever bullshit reason they had for starting this shit, the need has long passed. What exactly the fuck do they think we’re saving? “This way, it won’t get dark until 9! If it’s brighter for later in the day we won’t have our lights on,” That’s another steaming load I’ve heard people spout. Know what lights most North American rooms by 9pm? You’re fucking looking at it right now. TVs and Monitors. They’re the lamps of the 21st fucking century, and they’re not going to take any less juice in a bright evening than in a dark one.

And why the fuck does the summer daylight need saving, like it’s some starving kid in Africa? You know what daylight needs saving? Winter daylight. If we saved our fucking daylight in winter, it wouldn’t get dark at goddamn 4 o’clock. And apparently the evening is when we need to save our daylight, right? That’s the whole fucking point, isn’t it? So yeah, fuck it. I guess we do need to jump ahead an hour, in November… right about the fucking time we’re supposed to fall back. Fuck that shit.

Why haven’t we just altogether thrown that hour away yet? No one wants to keep changing their fucking clocks. Some studies… probably bullshit, like all studies, but still… some studies show that people drop from the stress of losing and/or gaining hours every year. We clearly don’t need the 4 months (That’s all that’s left. Four fucking months) of “Standard” time. Let it go. If anyone in charge of this shit is reading this, please, Spring forward this year, and don’t look back.