Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor (2011)

Thunderstorm ThorWhat the fuck did I just watch?  Why did I watch all of it?  What is wrong with me?  Seriously.  There’s something not firing right in my brain.  I watched the whole thing.  I’m reasonably sure that watching the entirety of this movie qualifies me as a self-mutilator now, and that I may need to be put on some kind of self-harm watch list.

I mean, sure, it’s a Canadian made, Direct-to-Video, Superhero movie.  I went in knowing it would be bad… maybe even awful.  But I had no idea it’d be like this.  Never like this.

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Mattel & Funko are Evil.

I find it incredibly funny how things work sometimes.

I’m not exactly sure how old Funko’s Pop! Vinyl Figure line has been going, but I can remember what I said the first time I ever saw one.

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I was looking at a wall of Marvel and DC figures in Chibi form, with price tags in the $20 range.  They were sitting next to a shelf of dusty looking bobble-heads.  I noted this, because I thought next to shitty bobble-heads is exactly where this shitty set of Chibi Fantastic Four Folks belonged.

“You’ll never catch me buying one of those,” I said outloud to no one in particular.  I like to talk to myself, because being a huge neckbearded mother fucker looking at a wall of old toys doesn’t make me seem creepy enough.

Last year, though, I discovered they were making a Masters of the Universe set in their line.  I skimmed over a few articles on the subject.  The line was going to consist of He-Man, Skeletor, Hordak, She-Ra and Beast Man.   Nothing really shocking there, and I found myself giving only the smallest, casual sort of fuck about the line.

I never wrote about them, I never commented on them, I certainly never looked into what it would take to buy one of them.

So, how the fuck did I end up with one?

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Red Pill – A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

Die Hard 5Bruce Willis once again throws on a wifebeater and calls himself John McClane, tortured traveller.  This time, McClane reconnects with his son, who has apparently gotten himself into some trouble in Moscow.  One crappy plane ride and one crappy cab ride later, and John finds himself up to his neck in shit.  Car chase, Something, something, something, explosions… Yippie Kai Yay Mr. Falcon.

This is one of two reviews I’ll be writing for A Good Day To Die Hard.  I’m doing this, because I am of a completely split mind.  On the one hand…  this is a terrible movie.  Really.  Possibly one of the worst I’ve seen in years.  On the other hand…  I fucking LOVED watching it.  The last movie I enjoyed watching this much was The Avengers.  If you’ll excuse a reference to The Matrix you can take the Blue Pill, and find out all about how fun this movie was to watch…  OR… you can take the Red Pill by continuing to read this article, and find out just how goddamn awful this movie really is…

Red Pill

Blue Pill

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Virtua Tennis (Dreamcast)

Virtua TennisSo, while thrifting recently, I happened upon a SEGA Dreamcast, with 3 controllers and a memory card for a whopping 5 bucks.  You might not know about the Dreamcast.  “Isn’t that something that bloggers argue about in regards to upcoming anticipated movies based on intellectual properties they already love?”

SEGA’s Dreamcast is the straw that broke their console camel’s back.  The console failed so hard, and so spectacularly that SEGA, a company that had gone toe-to-toe with Nintendo for over 3 generations of consoles, said “Fuck it… lets put Sonic on the Gamecube.”

So, if this console sucked so badly it killed an entire production segment of a company, I probably should have just left it sitting there in Frenchy’s in the goddamn comforter bag someone tossed it into.  But I can make you this promise, dear reader:  I love video games, and I can say with certainty that if I see a console, any working console, for 5 bucks… and I don’t have it… I’m buying that sonnuvabitch on the spot.  Even if it didn’t come with a game.

“What the hell does any of that have to do with Virtua Tennis?” you’re possibly asking yourself.  “The title clearly states this is a review of Virtua Tennis.  I paid my 4 bits to see a Virtua Tennis review, an’ I’mma gonna sees a Virtua Tennis review.”  Well, as it turns out, the Dreamcast I bought did have a game with it after all.  After taking it out of the bag, and opening the disc tray, some kind hearted soul had shoved their copy of goddamn Virtua Tennis inside, a shiny piss-yellow coloured pearl in a giant blocky clam.

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