Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

Safety Not GuaranteedWANTED: Someone to go back in time with me.  This is not a joke.  You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. I have only done this once before. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED.”

Aubrey Plaza plays Aubrey Plaza Darius, a young, blunt, disinterested intern who’s still looking for something to give her life meaning. Up and Coming “That Guy!™” Jake Johnson plays her narcissistic writer boss, Jeff. Along with another socially awkward intern, this unlikely trio travel out to a small Washington town in search of the man who placed the above ad.

Eventually they find Kenneth, played by another up and coming “That Guy!™” Mark Duplass.  When Kenneth gets spooked by Jeff, it’s up to Aubrey Darius to reel him in if they ever want to find out just how crazy Kenneth is… or isn’t.

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Review Grab Bag (1-5-15)

Grab Bag 1 5 15

Happy New Year, folks.  It’s 2015 and after an 18 month hiatus, the Review Grab Bag is back.   If you don’t remember, or didn’t realize in the first place, the RGB is where I throw up a paragraph or two about stuff that I have something to say about, but not much of a something.  This time around we take a look at 3 Sci-Fi movies that have very little in common, and an Atari 2600 cult classic.

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Charles Soule and Alberto Alburquerque’s “Letter 44” (Vol. 1)

Letter 44Nothing goes as expected on the inaugural morning of the 44th President of the United States, Stephen Blades’, first term. He expected difficulties… partisan politics, economic recovery, two wars overseas, and the need to manage transparency and accountability against safety and secrecy. But nothing would have prepared him for the truth of the situation.

He enters the oval office and is greeted with a letter marked 44. Inside it, outgoing President Carroll admits that the economic instability, fear and war mongering of the last near decade have served one purpose… to hide an Alien construction being built in an asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter from the public, and prepare secret advances in military technology in case their reason for being there isn’t friendly.

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Brett Rutherford’s “The Lost Children”

Lost Children
Sometimes it’s okay to judge a book by it’s cover.  Look at that image.  Doesn’t really tell you much, does it?

But…

What if I told you that the skeleton, broken doll and book title are all beveled and embossed?

If you’ve ever read a mass-market fiction book from the ’80s, you’ll recognize those details.  Much like a soft white cover–with an oval cut out of it to reveal a hand painted portrait of a shirtless guy and a swooning woman–will let everyone know that a book is about fucking…  that embossed skeleton on black background tells the ’80s reader exactly what they’re getting into. 

HORRRR-RRROR

HORRRR-RRROR

What you’ve got here is a cheesey premise sketchily linking together a bunch of horror-ifying scenes.  Seriously.  Just look at that list of Tags down there.  This thing hits all the bases.  And it executes them all flawlessly hilariously.

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Review Grab Bag (6-15-13)

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So, usually when I haven’t blogged much over a week or two, it’s because I haven’t had much time to consume any media.  This time, it’s because I haven’t happened to consume much media that I could write multiple paragraphs on.  Seriously.  I’ve watched several movies these past weeks… but even though I’ve really enjoyed, or even loved, them… I’ve just got nothing much to say about them.  So I had to save ’em up… and it’s RGB time, bitches.

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Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples’ Saga (Vol. 1)

Saga Vol 1Published by Image Comics, Saga is a monthly comic book from writer Brian K. Vaughan (Y: The Last Man, Ex Machina, Dr. Strange:  The Oath) and illustrator Fiona Staples.  It tells the story of the early years of our young narrator, Hazel.  Hazel’s mother is a former guard at a military prison.  Her father was once a prisoner.  Their two races have been at the forefront of a Galactic War that has raged on for longer than anyone can remember.  Regardless, the two fell in love, escaped, married one another, and had a child.  Now they’ve been discovered and are trying to escape the planet, Cleave.

This review is of the first volume trade paperback collection of issues 1-6.  I could make it really short.

Go.  Hunt.  Buy Saga. Continue reading

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

Into DarknessIf you polish a turd and give it to someone that loves you, you’d best hope they like polished turds.  Otherwise they’re going to be upset.

This review will contain spoilers.

Got that?  Spoilers Galore.  Stop looking right now, if you don’t want spoilers… and for the love of all that is holy, do not click Continue Reading.

Seriously.  It’s going to look like Fast & Furious with the spoilers in this review.  Indy 500 got nuthin’ on the spoilers in this bitch.  Top Fuel Dragster level spoilers, man.

Big Daddy Don Garlitts Flip Inducing Spoilers Ahead

Big Daddy Don Garlitts Flip Inducing Spoilers Ahead

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Review Grab Bag (4-19-13)

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Time for another Review Grab Bag.  Continuing with last month’s theme of having absolutely no theme, we’ve got a classic animated feature from Disney, a classic 80s toy, a debatable modern sci-fi classic film, and a relatively middle road, forgettable graphic novel.

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Review Grab Bag (12-31-12)

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Happy freakin’ New Year, everyone!  Let’s ring out the year with a Bag, a Grab Bag, shall we?  Since this month/year was supposed to be the end of it all, why not have a Grab Bag that focuses on life from other worlds?  We’ve got a movie, a series, a book with characters from a series, and a toy of a movie about…  it’s about aliens, man.

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X-Men: First Class (2011)

X-Men:  First Class is a small indie picture from earlier this year.  You probably haven’t heard of it.  It deals with a group of young adults railing against the evils of Corporate America at the turn of the century and their influence on the Columbine tragedy, while subtly touching on the subject of net-neutrality and the dangers of an internet without Freedom of Speech.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

All joking aside, I fucking loved this movie.  I’m super pissed that I let the dark side get the better of me, and avoided it in the theatre.

Things that I loved:

Pacing.  You hear me complain about it a lot.  I do this because most movies today suffer from horrible pacing.  They’re too slow in the slow parts.  They’re too fast in the fast parts.  Not here.  The pacing is perfect.

Action.  When I watch a comic book movie, particularly an X-Men movie, I want action.  I want it to be good.  I want it to make me sit up in my seat, at the edge.  I want to see awesome powers being used to fuck people up in creative ways.  I want to scream “Fuck yeah!” when some random asshole guard gets fucked up by ridiculous mutant powers.  I did all that.
Character.  The only thing that is almost as awesome as mutant powers, is the dynamic character that the best X-People have.  Make no mistake:  This is the story of Professor X, Magneto, Mystique, Beast and Kevin Bacon (I knew there was a reason he doesn’t seem to have aged since Tremors.)  The others are tack on characters that don’t matter.  Who cares about Banshee?  (No one.  No, not even you, lone objector in the comments.  No one.)  This is about the big characters.  Their story is interesting.  Their reactions and emotions are believable, and stay in character… or rather… form the character.

We see the important moments in the lives of Chuck, Hank, Erik and Raven that shape their future.  Their origin, if you will.  In an origin story?  That’s crazy talk!  It shouldn’t be surprising that you’d see the origins of characters in an origin story…  but they’ve been fucked up so hard in the past (I’m looking at you, Lucas) that it’s actually damn near astonishing to see one that’s done well.

Cameos.  They were excellent.

Building a Universe.  Marvel Studios has been getting a lot of credit for building their non-mutant Marvel Movie Universe, heading towards The Avengers next year.  While I agree with all that praise, I have to nod towards Fox and the Mutant Marvel Universe they’re creating.  Even with the steaming pile of shit that was X3, and the ridiculous, but fun, romp that was Origins: Wolverine, they seem to laid the groundwork for another trilogy, or more, with this picture.  There are plenty of stories to be told with these characters still, and I’m looking forward to them.

Things that I didn’t love:


The Fat Guy With Glasses in me can’t always get past the little details… and here it’s no different.  I’m watching the movie and thinking to myself…  “Isn’t Raven even older than Chuck?  I thought she was, like, Wolverine old.”  “That’s not the right Angel!” “That’s not the original class at all!” “Hank’s hair looks like shit!” “I thought Kevin Bacon already learned a valuable lesson about playing chicken in Footloose!”  Turn off that voice.  You know you can do it.  Just shut it off and everything will be fine.

The poster art.  Look at that photoshop disaster.  Chuck’s head looks like Matt Stone and/or Trey Parker cut it out in cardboard and taped it there, guy.  Mags looks like he’s in the middle of walking down the runway, seconds away from stopping us all in our tracks with Blue Steel.  The only one that isn’t looking like a tool is, of course, Kevin Bacon, who is obviously now the frontrunner to replace Daniel Craig as 007 in the next movie.

That’s it, though.  I loved everything else.  At least, I don’t remember anything else I hated.  I’ve heard some people complain that January Jones was too distant as Emma Frost…  These are probably the people that complained that Eric Bana was too distant as Bruce Banner.  Or that Christian Bale seemed stiff as Batman.

Final Thoughts:


Re…. memm…  ‘Member that part where the guy was teleporting all over the place, and dropping lackeys from the sky and then Bacon basically walks in through some rubble like Vader at the beginning of Star Wars and blows the crap out of that guy that does the stuff?  FLABOOM!  Yeah… that was awesome.

5/5