Charlotte Says…


qdfchjk.iutetiohuill;m crhhmlhfxvghm hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



















i love you



Fat Dad With Glasses: Sesame Street Hacked

Greetings, Friends.

I suppose you probably thought there’d be some kind of post related to AMC’s The Walking Dead which premieres its second season tonight.  Well, guess what?  I’m too upset to post about that tonight.  I’m too upset because some idiot douchefuck has ruined my night.  Someone thought it would be funny to hack into Sesame Street‘s YouTube account and post a few porn videos.

Telly… How could you?

Obviously, this being the age of instant transmission of information and whatnot… this isn’t something that lasted very long.  The porn was up and down a few times over the course of the 22 minutes.  That’s how long before someone outright suspended the entire Sesame Street account.  From that point, until the nasty business was sorted out about an hour later, none of Sesame Street’s videos could be watched on YouTube.

Here’s a personal message to whoever it was that took the time to do this:

Dear Asshat,

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I know that you’re busy fapping away at the idea that a bunch of parents and little kids are crying at your 1337 hackjob.  I know you suddenly think you’re Tyler Durden meets Zero Cool.  You know what you are?  An unoriginal idiot.  Anyone could think of porn.  At 15, working at a local video store, I swapped the inputs with the outputs of the security monitor and popped Anal Assassins in the VCR on the guy that worked the shift after me.  It was unoriginal then, almost 20 years ago.  It’s unoriginal now.  You’re a dumbfuck.  You could have slowly played with the account for months before anyone caught on, I’d bet.  Instead you blow your whole load on a couple of lame ass-to-mouth vids?  Enjoy your 15 minutes.  No one will ever think or care about you again.


But this incident was particularly frustrating for me, because part of my nightly routine to wind down Charlotte is to watch several of these videos with her on my lap, and me browsing blogs, reddit and other ridiculous temporal black holes.  I wasn’t able to really do that, since half of the videos we watch every night were down.

Now, I don’t know about any of your kids out there in internetland… by mine isn’t fussy about sleep.  She doesn’t care for it in the least.  In the last 18 months, she might have slept for 15 minutes or so.  I can’t be sure.  I’m too fucking tired.  In addition to watching YouTube videos with her, I need to jump through flaming hoops, sing songs, dance, ride a BigWheel bike around the living room, and throw spaghetti noodles on the ceiling just to get her to yawn.  And when you take any of these crucial items out of the equation… she doesn’t sleep.

So obviously, the fact that the whole routine got delayed by an hour has me pretty much enraged.  If I were to get a hold of whatever dicknuckle thought it would be fun and original to repeatedly post porn to Sesame Street’s YouTube channel, it wouldn’t be pretty.  If it were filmed, it would probably fill the void anyone is feeling about there not being a new Saw sequel this Hallowe’en.  It would make the second half of Hostel look like Cinderella.  It would damn sure violate YouTube’s Terms of Service Agreement.

I understand the blowtorch… but what are the christmas tree decorations fo– 

Found On the Internet: Li’l Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction’s Facebook page shared this today.  I enjoyed it.

Not surprisingly, the 265 comments or so were largely full of people pissing, moaning and crying.  Wah wah… the kids aren’t swearing.  Wah This is inappropriate!  Wah wah John Travolta is white!  wah!  Shoulda done DNS scene! Wah.  Won’t someone think of the children!?! Wah wah wah One of my favourite movies ruined! Fucking wah.

The best three that I saw in my quick glance:

I was hoping they’d shoot Marvin in the face.”  – James Partington

Wrong scene, asshat.

“this is terrible and a disgrace to pulp fiction. vincent vega isnt not a little mexican. get the races right before you make a li’l anything” – Scott Schober

That’s some really choice racism, sir.

“I don’t think Jules was mexican but ok.” – Morgan Shaffer

Also choice racism.  Even funnier to me is that you’re so upset about this detail change you felt the need to comment on it… without realizing that the character Jules was indeed played by a young man of African decent.  How do you get so worked up about one detail, when you don’t even know the character’s fucking name?

Charlotte Says…

q l    gfffcggtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttfgtgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggtgtg tggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggl ukjjjnjvmgc h h v ub ghv yv   gh g gh i  i  bvvc       nmiybu r  h f g d gcev cbvb bgt5gfrecc                      vv  c c c cccc ccccccccc   c    bgv b                                  bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbv bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvbbbb                                                                                     b vbvjggfgfgffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff bgffffff                                                            dxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcfxddddsdfdsdzfda


Charlotte Says…

ausaytxzzxz   vvvvvv v cccccccccccccm  sva s 2xzqwjeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nm,n3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e3e$RJNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN gbggff                 bvb ffffffffffffffffnvgnb  v vvvvvvvvvvvbvvvvvvvvvv    vbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv        bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb  



Somebody Save Me.

Happy 2011. It’s been a while. Oh well.

So, apparently I must have a face that attracts batshit crazy people.
The other day I’m waiting in line at an ATM in a grocery store. My wife has our daughter and is travelling through the store shopping. I’m standing a comfortable 2 or 3 paces away from the woman using the machine. I do this for a couple reasons:
1) I’m a very large man, and if I was standing directly behind you while you proceeded to deal with your financial transactions, it would make you nervous.
2) At this particular ATM, in an amazing feat of commercial building design, there is an elevator door directly beside it. If anyone lined up near the ATM and someone came out of the elevator, they would get a big facefull of line.
3) I’m not a douchebag.
So, I’m waiting in line. Well, seeing how there’s no one behind me, I suppose I am the line. Anyway, I’m waiting there. Suddenly a second woman rushes up behind the one using the ATM. I’m pretty sure the first woman could feel the breath of the second on her neck. And she’s dancing in place. Quite fidgety, this second woman is. So, she’s dancing around, gathering up Jebas knows what out of her purse and looking around. Her eyes meet mine. I nod politely. The woman continues to look around and dance.
Suddenly she realizes she’s cut in front of me. She says “Oh. Sorry,” and takes her rightful place behind me. No harm done. But after a minute or so, I realize that she’s dancing like she’s ready to explode, and may be in some kind of a hurry. Wifey is still shopping, so I’m in no rush. To hell with it. I’ll let this woman go ahead of me.
“My wife’s still shopping, I’m in no hurry. Would you like to go first?” I ask. I shouldn’t have. The reply was just about the most random response to a normal question I’ve ever gotten.
“No thanks, I’m not in a rush,” She said. It should have stopped there. But she thought about it for a second, and decided that I really needed to know more, and continued on.
“I’ll tell you what I could use, though. Is for Steven Seagal to come save me. You ever watch his movies? Some good. I’ve got a couple family members that could use a little street justice, you know? They’re always mixed up with drugs. And drugs are no good. Don’t matter if you’re usin’ ’em or sellin’ ’em. It’s all illegal, knowwhatimean? Drains the bank, too. Yup. Sure do love watching them old Steven Seagal movies though. Mmm.”
So, I smiled, nodded, and when the first lady finished at the ATM, I used it as quickly as possible and all but ran to the safety of my loving wife, before I laughed or cried and ended up receiving some unexpected Street Justice.

Prejudging Candy.

Tonight, while buying groceries, I saw something that I can’t believe actually exists. What is this?

Seriously… what the fuck is a midgee? How have I not been let in on this before now? How, in this day and age, can such a product exist on store shelves without hell itself opening up and swallowing us all whole? Just because you change a letter in a word to make it sound cute, doesn’t mean that your average every day person can’t still tell what exactly the word had been derived from. Especially when your product is smaller than normal.

Don’t get me wrong, being as completely politically incorrect as I am, I find this product hilarious. No doubt it has been around for decades, infuriating Little People all over the western world. I’d love to have been in on the board room discussion for that one.

“They’re basically normal candy… but smaller.”

“Heh… Like midgets. I like it. Let’s call ’em Tootsie Roll Midgets.”

“But sir, won’t someone get offended?”

“You’re right. But I like this midget angle. Any suggestions?”

“Bite-size? Minis? Midgees? Teenies? Widdle Tootsies?”

“What was that third one again?”

“The one that was basically Midget, without actually saying it? Midgees. I was just kidding, I’m pretty sure someone would still find th–“

“Goddamn, I think we’ve struck gold here, gentlmen. This is a fucking slam dunk. What’s next?”

Stupid Fucking Kids

It’s February 2nd.  The Groundhog saw his shadow, and supposedly we’re in for lots more winter.  But today, it was surprisingly mild in the afternoon.  Mild enough that apparently a trio of teenagers forgot it was still winter and ventured outside.  I saw them on the sidewalk as I was driving home today.  Granted, I probably saw several people on the sidewalk as I was driving home today.  But these three idiots stood out.

Put That In Your Pipe And Smoke It.

So, I didn’t post yesterday.  

I wanted to, but I couldn’t remember what it was I wanted to write about.  I did eventually remember what I wanted to write about earlier today, while at work.  But it was too late, as there are no internets at work.  So I was left to wallow in my forgetfulness, feeling old and stupid.  I told Mel that I had forgotten what I wanted to post about, but didn’t tell her what it was because I was going to post about it later.

But now that it’s later, I’m not going to write about it.  Now I’m going to write about how I was going to write yesterday, but forgot because I’m getting older, and later remembered when it was too late to do anything about it.  And also about how I didn’t tell Mel what I was going to post because I was going to post it, but now I’m not.
And there’s not a goddamn thing you, or anyone else can do about it.