Toki Tori 2+ (Steam)

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Toki Tori 2+ is a puzzle platformer from mostly-Indie developer Two Tribes.  A sequel to a remake of a Game Boy Color game from 2001,  it’s available as a downloadable title for the Wii U console, and off Steam for PC and Mac systems (Linux specs are listed, but apparently not supported).  You can also pick it up on your iPhone.  It’s regular price on Steam is $14.99, and I would assume the Wii U version is comparable.  I was able to pick it up as part of a recent Humble Bundle and paid… significantly less.

In the game, you play as a yellow flightless birdlike blob that tries to sing and stomp its way home before its whole world rips apart.  At least, that’s what I think is happening.  It’s hard to say, because there’s not really any explanation for what’s going on.  Along the way lots of other cute little creatures help and hinder your progress.  The only reason I started playing it was because I thought it was something cute and easy Charlotte and I could run through.

Well… it starts out that way, anyway.  Turns out, the game is actually a giant “Shut The Fuck Up” letter addressed to my entire whiny generation of aging gamers.

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Bejeweled Blitz (Xbox Live Arcade)

Bejeweled Blitz is a puzzle game from PopCap games. You probably already know this game. If you know a woman over 30 who’s on Facebook… you’ve probably seen her spam your newsfeed with her latest and greatest Bejeweled High Score. Outside of Tetris and Angry Birds, it’s probably the next most successful casual video game to ever exist.

The reason for this is because it’s like shiny, flashy crack… with explosion sounds. If you ever owned an NES or Gameboy in the 90s… you played Tetris. Remember how addictive that shit was? You’d probably be playing it right now if your mom hadn’t stashed the Gameboy in a box and put it in the attic when you went away to school. Now realize that puzzle game designers have had another 20 years to perfect exactly what makes Tetris so addictive.

This is the new shit. It’s streamlined. It’s more accessible. The scores are higher. It’s fucking shiny. If you’re any good at it at all… it’s faster paced.  And worst of all… it doesn’t take long to play.  Rounds are one minute.   That’s it.  Just one minute and you’re done. Except… you’re not done at all. You could have one more round before you go back and do whatever stupid shit you’ve been avoiding…

Just one little round. That’s all. No one will ever know… Just one little round.

Buying the Cow Anyway…

Relatively recently the price of Bejeweled Blitz on Xbox Live Arcade (XBLA) dropped in half. It used to be 800 Microsoft Points ($10 US to the un-Xboxed masses out there.) They dropped it to 400 MSP (or $5 US). Woah, wait. That’s not all. When I acted, they had it on for an additional 50% off. Stop opening up calc.exe. and put your fucking iPhone away. I’ll do the math here for you. That’s 200 MSP/$2.50 US.  I enjoy getting deals, achievements and video games I snatched this one up, but I’m still puzzled as to why the flying fuck I bought it.

Seriously. It makes no sense. The game is available for absolutely fucking free on Facebook. This isn’t something I learned after the fact. I bought the game knowing this. I’ve even played it on Facebook probably 5 times since buying the game.

I’d love to throw out some honourable bullshit and say that I did this because it’s important to support video game developers and vote with your dollars and such.  That’s all true, but when it comes to me actually shelling out my own cash on something that I can get (without even “stealing” it off the internet) for free… Normally I’d be first in line to say “Fuck the Devs.”

Maybe it was because I had some extra MSP on my account.  Maybe it was because I wanted another couple hundred Gamerscore.  Maybe I thought my wife might play it with me.  I will probably go to my grave, and this will be one of life’s great mysteries.  That’s it.

Here’s the complete list:

  • How did they build the pyramids?
  • Where did the Mayans go?
  • The Caramilk Secret
  • Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?
  • Why was Highlander 2:  The Quickening ever made?
  • Why the flying fuck did I buy Bejeweled Blitz?

I suppose I should probably actually review it…

Maybe later. I think I can probably squeeze in one more round.