WTF Is This?

Your dreams were your ticket out.

So, it’s a new month, and the site has a new look. Aren’t those pretty little grey maple leaves blowing in the wind back there? Fuck yes they are.

My intention is to blog more. Maybe the site redesign will help that. It’s been tough finding little things to complain about these days. When your very young daughter has as much interest in shitting and/or sleeping as I have in shoving razor blades up my ass, things like whether or not they’re going to go ahead with Ghostbusters 3 without Bill Murray start to seem pretty fucking petty by comparison. But no longer will I stand idly by and let it seem like I’m not getting pissed off at stupid little shit on the internet anymore.

Exhibit A: What the fuck is this shit?

Recently we purchased a wheel bearing for a 08 Hyundai Accent. It was incredibly hard to come by. Apparently they’re still having distribution problems for aftermarket car parts for Asian cars. Or at least, that’s what they told us at the parts store. I have a different theory. I think the company that makes them suddenly realized they made a huge fucking mistake when they named their company’s brand.

You keep using that word.
I do not think it means what you think it means.

As you can see, Schaeffler Technologies uses, for some reason I can’t imagine, the acronym FAG for its brand name. I get it. I see the .de in their internet address. They’re a German company. But I can’t imagine how any company would go international and not notice that, in at least one of their target continents, their fucking brand name is a goddamn homophobic slur. I know they have teams of lawyers dedicated to finding this shit out. And in some boardroom meeting, someone asked the group “Are we sure we want to go with FAG in North America?” And a roomful of German suits nodded their heads in agreement.

I’ll say this though… They don’t shy away from it at all. Look at that box. Go ahead. Zoom in on that shit. They’ve got a gigantic FAG up in the corner, and about 100 little FAGs on each side. You know that has to be the joke of whatever graphic designer ended up with this project on his desk.

There is no way we’re landing this account.
They like it? What? Seriously?.

Prejudging Candy.

Tonight, while buying groceries, I saw something that I can’t believe actually exists. What is this?

Seriously… what the fuck is a midgee? How have I not been let in on this before now? How, in this day and age, can such a product exist on store shelves without hell itself opening up and swallowing us all whole? Just because you change a letter in a word to make it sound cute, doesn’t mean that your average every day person can’t still tell what exactly the word had been derived from. Especially when your product is smaller than normal.

Don’t get me wrong, being as completely politically incorrect as I am, I find this product hilarious. No doubt it has been around for decades, infuriating Little People all over the western world. I’d love to have been in on the board room discussion for that one.

“They’re basically normal candy… but smaller.”

“Heh… Like midgets. I like it. Let’s call ’em Tootsie Roll Midgets.”

“But sir, won’t someone get offended?”

“You’re right. But I like this midget angle. Any suggestions?”

“Bite-size? Minis? Midgees? Teenies? Widdle Tootsies?”

“What was that third one again?”

“The one that was basically Midget, without actually saying it? Midgees. I was just kidding, I’m pretty sure someone would still find th–“

“Goddamn, I think we’ve struck gold here, gentlmen. This is a fucking slam dunk. What’s next?”