Found On the Internet: Beetlejuice Minecraft Roller Coaster

I don’t care if you’ve never played Minecraft, or if you’ve never seen Beetlejuice.  You should watch this video.  It’s an amazing tribute to the movie, made in a fantastic and creative game.  And it’s tripping balls.

Of course, if you have played Minecraft, you’ll recognize this as a colossal example of Holy-Fucking-Shit-What-Have-I-Done-With-My-Life Syndrome.  Kudos to the creators for making something awesome, though.  Y’knowhaddImean?

Yet Another Reason To Hate

So, after making my post the other day, and linking the “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” video, I half watched it as Mel read the entry.

At 1:18 the line  The bitter sting of tears is sang by none other than Sting himself.  Now I find it hard to believe that they were able to convince Sting that this was a cool idea.  I’d imagine that in the 80s, at the height of his popularity that Sting was probably pretty pretentious.  I could be wrong.  Maybe he didn’t develop that particular trait until years later.  But I imagine he was anyway, because it makes that shot that much funnier to me.

Let’s assume for the sake of our sanity that it was indeed Sting that was singing that line, and that’s why he was lipsyncing it in the video, and not just because Bob wanted to have a nice closeup pun shot for his extremely important and world-saving video.  How exactly did he convince Sting that it wouldn’t be lame for him to sing it?  Did he trick him into singing the entire song, and editted the ol’ Police in for that set of lines?  If he did, is that the whole reason he wrote the line “The only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears”?  
But if you listen to the song, it doesn’t really sound like the voice changes.  Bob’s website says it’s Bono and Sting singing the line.  But, almost 25 years later, I have no troubles whatsoever disbelieving something like that.  I think it’s just Bono singing there.  And that Bob put the closeup on Sting lipsyncing because he could.  I think he tricked Sting into lipsyncing the whole song in front of the microphone, and that he was too stoned to notice that no one else had to do the whole song.  

Sting: Too Stoned To Notice.
I really believe Bob Geldolf is that diabolical.  And that lame.  He’s that diabolically lame.

Where Is The Governor?

Like all Fat Guys with Glasses, I pride myself on my–perhaps unhealthy–love of video games. But there is one series of games that can drive me up the fucking wall. It’s everywhere, it’s really fun, and I’m fucking useless at it.

Hello. My name is Bruce, and I suck at Guitar Hero.

Those 12 steppers are right. It does feel good to admit you have a problem.

Now, in my defense, I’m not Struggling-On-Easy-Failing-Mississippi-Queen sucky. But I am Crossing-My-Eyes-Losing-My-Fingers-Trying-To-Find-The-Orange-Button-On-Hard sucky. Of course, if you don’t know Guitar Hero, or Rockband, you might think that’s pretty good, right? I mean “Hard” should widely be considered pretty difficult right? That’s a reasonable assumption most people might make.

And like always, most people would be completely fucking wrong. On any lower setting, you’re not even using between 20 and 40% of the buttons on the Fucking Faux Plastic Guitar Controller (FFPGC). Thus, “Hard” is pretty much where the game begins.

Now my feelings of inadequacy are tripled by the fact that the people I’ve seen play this game in person, or played with online, have been able to wipe my ass sixty-three ways from Sunday without even straining their fingers. Some of these people include, but are not limited to, my brother, my brother-in-law, guys in taverns, friends of the family, cousins, stray cats, small children, goats, cottage cheese, particle colliders and, of course, my wife.

Ever get so mad that Mario just wouldn’t stop overshooting that single square of land between the two giant holes on that one level, so much so that you could feel the red, grey and black plastic controller start to bend in the middle, but you’re not even conscious of the fact that you’re applying the pressure? No? Guess that’s just me.

Anyway, seeing any of those people ripping through Guitar Hero or Rockband at speeds that my eyes can’t even track sometimes makes me want to do terrible things involving my FFPGC, electrified barbed wire, and a cute, tiny, wide-eyed little kitten.


But I stop myself because I remember that everytime I electrify barbed wire, I’m the one that ends up getting hurt. Also, FFPGCs are fucking expensive, and if I wrecked it, I’d need to replace the fucking thing so that Mel could continue to utterly demolish my sad excuses for scores in the game.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go practice.

Christmas Music

Well, it’s finally happened. With only 14 days left to go, Christmas music is finally taking a major share of airtime on the local radio stations. And as anyone who’s met me knows, I fucking love Christmas music. It makes me want to sing in joyous celebration; climb to the highest rooftop and gleefully thank all those around me for their love and appreciation.

I wonder if the sarcasm is as easily read above as I imagine it should be.

I can’t fucking stand Christmas music. It is, without a doubt, the worst form of music there is. Even Christmas tunes from artists and genres I do enjoy suck donkey dick so hard that it turns purple and explodes, donkey erectile blood running all down their faces.

Because the radio is playing a hearty helping of Christmas music now, I got to hear “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” twice today. Two fucking times I had the pleasure of hearing celebrities whose relevance has long since faded caw and croon over the poor unfortunates starving in Africa.

And now, so can you:

Don’t get me wrong. I have no objection to raising the awareness levels world hunger. I can’t stand how much guilt we have to attach to it whenever we try, but I can’t complain about the desire to help others, no matter how much the method might annoy the living piss out of me.

But this one would piss me off even if it wasn’t trying to make me feel like an asshole just because I know I’m going to have a good meal every day–thanks to my darling wife–along with a fantastic string of meals on and around Christmas Day itself. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” would still piss me off, just for the stupid fucking lyrics that don’t directly involve hunger, starvation, glimmers of hope, dying and whathaveyou.

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.” No fucking shit. You just blew my fucking mind. I hadn’t thought of that. There won’t be snow in Florida either. There won’t be snow on around a third of the land surface of the fucking planet this Christmas. What’s your fucking point?

“The only gift they’ll get this year is life.” And, you know, all the help you’re going to give them, right? You are going to give them help other than just playing this stupid fucking song over and over and over again for the next few weeks until Christmas has passed and a few more children have starved, right? But besides that… what fucking gift am I going to get this year that’s better than life? Did Bob Geldof not even read this shit he was writing? This is some dumb fucking shit.

“Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” The ones you’re singing about? Probably not. They likely don’t even give a shit–what with the majority of the continent not being fucking Christians and all.

“Feed the World. Let them know it’s Christmas Time.” Yes please. Feed them. But make sure while they’re eating, you let them know about the love of their Lord and Saviour Jesus H. Fucking Christ. Spread the word. SPREAD IT!  Don’t worry about what they believe, or disbelieve, or whatever.  Let them know.

And they keep bringing this thing out. I had to hear it twice today because they recorded a new one 4 years ago. It was the 3rd time they recorded this shit in a studio. Fuck you. It’s not any better, or relevant just because you’ve got Chris “I’m Physically Incapable of Looking More Like a Twat” Martin of Coldplay singing the opening.

He’s right. I physically couldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t hate on a bunch of people putting out a lot of effort to raise awareness of a particular issue. It was supposed to be a timeless, driving force of change, making the western world take a look around and see the shit piled around our own doorsteps. Instead, at best it’s a dated Christmas Carol that gets dusted off once a year to annoy people like me. At worst, it’s a funny reminder of just how much hair human kind was capable of growing, teasing, spraying and weaving 24 years ago. Epic fail, Bob. Epic fucking fail.