Bike Lanes

Bike lanes anger me. I know, it’s hard to imagine me being angry about anything… but bike lanes definitely do it for me. Especially now that the world is in an energy crisis of catastrophic proportions, and my municipal government seems to think bike lanes will answer all the world’s fucking problems. But, of course, I can understand their logic. Suddenly, somehow, altering the flow of traffic in already heavily travelled areas will clearly turn oil into a clean burning renewable resource.

Pictured: All Your Problems Fucking Solved.
No. No way in hell.

Before you start crying to me about how cars are ruining the Earth, and we all need to recycle everything before we start living in the world of Soylent Green, I need you to understand something: I get that the theory is that with more bike lanes more people will use bikes, and that would mean less people would use cars. I get that the future is now. I get that we need to seize the day. I get that every little bit helps. I also get something that, in my opinion, is much more important to realize… at least when it comes to fucking with heavy traffic areas–and slowing down traffic flow–just to put in bike lanes. And what I get is this: Everyone who is going to ride a bike anywhere is already fucking doing it.

At this moment, there are now enough bike lanes in place on my trip to work that I could use them for all but one short block of travelling. I’m not going to. My wife’s not going to. Trying to rationalize paying road crews to paint new lanes and/or widen existing streets by saying more people will leave their cars at home is a flying crock of monkey shit.

But what about safety, you ask? How can you put a price on that? I’ll tell you how. It’s easy. Actual bike lanes are no fucking safer than unmarked ones, non-existent ones, or the fucking sidewalk. I say this because ever since I saw the first goddamn bike lane pop up in this shit town of mine, I’ve been watching. Every day… every single fucking day this summer… I’ve seen one or more of the following:

  • Assholes riding on the wrong side of the road.
  • Assholes riding without a helmet.
  • Assholes riding on the white fucking line that makes up the bike lane.
  • Assholes riding just outside the fucking bike lane.
  • Assholes completely ignoring traffic lights.
  • And one glorious asshole who was riding outside the bike lane, on the wrong side of the road, in the middle of traffic, into an oncoming traffic lane that had a green light.

Even the most safety conscious looking people, wearing helmets, pads, vests, and all sorts of shiny flashy shit, have been driving on the wrong side of the road, and/or ignoring general rules of traffic. You know, those tough calls that none of us know, like “What do you do at a red light?” and “Can I cross this intersection diagonally, because suddenly I think I’m a pedestrian now? I know the intersection isn’t even marked as a diagonal crosswalk, but it’s still cool, right?”

Safety is Job #1.Unless the light is red.

I’m mostly pissed about the whole thing because a road I frequent was formerly 4 lanes, 2 each way, until recently.  You were able to pass any slow idiot, school bus, or car turning left with the greatest of ease.  There was more than enough room in these wide lanes to have accommodated bikes.

Obviously, for the 30 or so years the road had been this way, it must have worked too well.  This summer they decided to add bike lanes, one on each side.  Now instead of 4 lanes, there’s 2 and a half.  One in each direction, and one of those genius dual left turn lanes.  Let me tell you… the people in this area are just not smart enough drivers to figure out a dual left turn lane.  There’s been some form of accident every week since they changed the lanes.

Also, now that school’s back in, you can get stuck behind a school bus stopping every quarter mile, and have absolutely no course to legally pass them.  Most people travelling this road travel it for 15 to 30 minutes with no traffic…  If they were to get stuck behind a school bus, and are headed out to the end of the road, their commute will double.  If the dumbasses I share this road with get frustrated at that traffic, something terrible is going to happen, I’m sure.

I’m not normally one to advocate stupid government red tape (except in the case of Machete Licenses), but I do think that the g-men should step in here.  I need to write a test to get a shiny piece of plastic so that I can drive my vehicle that could get someone killed in between the pretty painted lines they made for me… Why the fuck is it okay for some kid, or dumbfuck adult for that matter, to drive down their pretty painted lines on a vehicle that could get them killed without a shiny piece of plastic test of their own?  And it should cost an arm an a leg to get, too.  All the fees could go to the roadwork, and maybe the police force, so that they could afford to police the (as far as I’ve observed) near 100% rate of infractions per bicyclist in this fucking shitburg.

I’m sure all of you out there living in areas with millions of people, who deal regularly with the idea of taking 2 hours to drive a quarter mile, are laughing at me.  Well… you probably need to push bike lanes.  There’s, like, 6 million of you fucking idiots in a close area and you’re each driving a car.  If you throw together this “city” the 2 towns and 2 villages that make up my “Greater Metropolitan Area”… we might break 200k people.  We don’t need your fancy environmental solutions.  We still have fucking trees.  Although we do have a bunch of people bawling their fucking eyes out because we have one less tree now.  But that’s a different story…

Coming Soon: Give Trees A Chance.


Being a fat guy with glasses can be hard sometimes. There’s this gigantic urge inside you to tear apart everything that you see, bitch and moan about it on the internet, and feel better about yourself as a person. But there are some things… things that are so special… so unimaginably awesome… no amount of nitpicking, growling, ranting, pissing or moaning can make them unawesome.

These things include (but are not limited to) in no particular order:

  • Finding money.
  • Video (Home or Professional, it makes no difference) of Explosions.
  • Zombies. (Important Note: I said Zombies, not Zombie movies. The fictional monsters themselves are incredibly awesome beyond belief. They are not, however, awesome enough to make anything that features them automatically awesome. That’s right, I’m looking at you, “The Zombie Diaries”.)
  • Fucking. Both the word and the act.
  • Having the ability to fix shit that’s broken, without paying someone.
  • Fireworks.
  • The original PSA of Astar the Robot.

Saving Daylight

So, this weekend, according to two or three of the calendars that I flipped over today anyway, is the start of Daylight Savings Time. Which means we’ll throw away another hour, to the benefit of no-one, for no real good reason.

A popular myth is that they started this crock of shit for the farmers, letting them have more daylight to work by or some shit. Except the fucking farmers have exactly the same amount of daylight to work with, whether we fuck around with our clocks or not. Just because we spin some little plastic shit a twelfth of a circle doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to the sun. It still rises and sets based on gravity and axises and our spinning and shit, just like always.

Whatever bullshit reason they had for starting this shit, the need has long passed. What exactly the fuck do they think we’re saving? “This way, it won’t get dark until 9! If it’s brighter for later in the day we won’t have our lights on,” That’s another steaming load I’ve heard people spout. Know what lights most North American rooms by 9pm? You’re fucking looking at it right now. TVs and Monitors. They’re the lamps of the 21st fucking century, and they’re not going to take any less juice in a bright evening than in a dark one.

And why the fuck does the summer daylight need saving, like it’s some starving kid in Africa? You know what daylight needs saving? Winter daylight. If we saved our fucking daylight in winter, it wouldn’t get dark at goddamn 4 o’clock. And apparently the evening is when we need to save our daylight, right? That’s the whole fucking point, isn’t it? So yeah, fuck it. I guess we do need to jump ahead an hour, in November… right about the fucking time we’re supposed to fall back. Fuck that shit.

Why haven’t we just altogether thrown that hour away yet? No one wants to keep changing their fucking clocks. Some studies… probably bullshit, like all studies, but still… some studies show that people drop from the stress of losing and/or gaining hours every year. We clearly don’t need the 4 months (That’s all that’s left. Four fucking months) of “Standard” time. Let it go. If anyone in charge of this shit is reading this, please, Spring forward this year, and don’t look back.

Fuckin’ Heat.

Woah woah woah… that title can’t be right, can it?  Who complains about heat on New Years Eve Eve?  I’ll tell you who…

The fucking guy that’s been changing out the cylinder head on his piece of shit overheating car all week.  The guy that’s spent the last two nights trying to repair his brother’s overheating Xbox 3Shitty.  The fucking guy that can’t play videogames on his computer every other week because the fucking thing overheats any time Tuesday is an even numbered day of the month.  And, of course, the guy that lives above the (probably) home grown dope shack that has to keep their temperature at a bare minumum of 30 motherfucking degrees Celsius.
Oh wait… all those assholes are me.
Fuck you, heat.  Fuck you.

This Heat sucks too.
Seriously though.  I’ve had to sleep without covers, like, 6 times this winter already.  I fucking hate sleeping without covers.  I like to curl up… not sweat out.  If you’re reading this Wayne:  Turn the fucking thermostat down.  15 degrees is fine.  20 at the most.  If it’s -10 outside, and I’m turning my heat off because yours is too fucking high… then yours is too fucking high.