The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) – A FDWG Movie Review

Nightmare Before ChristmasHallowe’en this year marked a minor milestone in my house.  After Charlotte got her sackfull of candy, we returned home and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas.  We watched the whole thing, and as far as I can remember this is the first time she’s sat with me and watched an entire full length feature film, animated or otherwise.

This is a Fat Dad With Glasses review, which means I’ll be mostly covering it from the father-of-a-five-year-old-girl angle.  If you want my grown-up independent type view point… Here you go:

Despite being a fresh take, it still features a pretty derivative theme.  However, the movie is very entertaining.  It’s a masterwork of visual and musical achievement.

If you would like that opinion expanded upon… Seriously?  You can go pretty much anywhere else on the internet.  Or bait me with a comment below. It’s shockingly easy to get me to talk about something “I’m not gonna talk about” with comments.

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Walt Disney Productions’ “Mickey’s Christmas Carol” – A FDWG Book Review

MCC 003

 

Recently, maybe about the beginning of the summer (of 2015, for you future readers. Get off your damn hoverboards and get back to work.) Charlotte started showing an interest in reading some of the untouched books in her collections. Hand-me-downs from me or my brother, or other books from that era I picked up years ago, before she could read. One of these books was “Mickey’s Christmas Carol”. She loved it.

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Fat Dad With Glasses: Super Nintendo Greatness

If I’m not on record with this statement elsewhere on this blog… I’m going on record with it now.  The Super Nintendo Entertainment System is the greatest console ever made.  Every game on it that I loved, I’ve gone back to play again over 10 years later, and they still hold up.  This can’t be said for many of the great games of older consoles.  It can’t be said of (many) newer consoles, either, because enough time hasn’t past yet.

“But… that’s just nostalgia talking,” I can hear you saying.

“Is not!” was once my go-to response to such naysaying.  But no longer!  I now have evidence.  It’s Charlotte’s favourite system.

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Fat Dad With Glasses: Washroom Etiquette

public_bathroom2

I’ve often wondered how I should handle the “bathroom stuff” when I’m flying solo with Charlotte out in the real world.  When she needs to go, obviously I need to drag her into the men’s room with me.  Do I let her solo the stall right out of the gate?  Obviously I should close the door, right?  Could she fall in?  When do I let her handle the ladies’ room on her own?  What if she wants me to go in with her, but insists on using the ladies’ room? All of these questions have been floating around in my head from the moment I realized that there was at least a 50% chance that I could be fathering a girl.  They popped up more and more in recent months, as potty training became more and more of a focus.

One question I hadn’t ever considered, though, was what I should do if I needed to go.  That’s what happened about 5 minutes into our retail excursions one evening a few months ago.

public_bathroom

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Fat Dad With Glasses: WAKE UP, DA!

So, Charlotte is over 2 and a half years old now.  I’m sure you’ve heard about the terrible twos.  Kids do some of their craziest shit in their terrible twos.  They sing, they dance, they have no shame, they have no volume control what-so-ever, and they are more adept at recording and repeating your conversations in inappropriate situations than Macaulay Culkin with a fucking Talk-Boy.  Everyone that’s ever watched a family film, sit-com, or stand up comedian knows this.

But here at FGWG, I like to try and have your back.  I like to pass on information no one seems to want you to know.  Things like, breastfed infants projectile shitting distances of at least 6 feet with their diaper off.  No one warns you about that.  I thought the total surprises like that were the real danger.  I was wrong.  The real danger is the kind of stuff that you think might be over-exaggerated by others.  Surely certain kinds of behaviour can’t go on for years, with no end in sight.  Well, they can, and they probably will.

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Fat Dad With Glasses: Sesame Street Hacked

Greetings, Friends.

I suppose you probably thought there’d be some kind of post related to AMC’s The Walking Dead which premieres its second season tonight.  Well, guess what?  I’m too upset to post about that tonight.  I’m too upset because some idiot douchefuck has ruined my night.  Someone thought it would be funny to hack into Sesame Street‘s YouTube account and post a few porn videos.

Telly… How could you?

Obviously, this being the age of instant transmission of information and whatnot… this isn’t something that lasted very long.  The porn was up and down a few times over the course of the 22 minutes.  That’s how long before someone outright suspended the entire Sesame Street account.  From that point, until the nasty business was sorted out about an hour later, none of Sesame Street’s videos could be watched on YouTube.

Here’s a personal message to whoever it was that took the time to do this:

Dear Asshat,

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I know that you’re busy fapping away at the idea that a bunch of parents and little kids are crying at your 1337 hackjob.  I know you suddenly think you’re Tyler Durden meets Zero Cool.  You know what you are?  An unoriginal idiot.  Anyone could think of porn.  At 15, working at a local video store, I swapped the inputs with the outputs of the security monitor and popped Anal Assassins in the VCR on the guy that worked the shift after me.  It was unoriginal then, almost 20 years ago.  It’s unoriginal now.  You’re a dumbfuck.  You could have slowly played with the account for months before anyone caught on, I’d bet.  Instead you blow your whole load on a couple of lame ass-to-mouth vids?  Enjoy your 15 minutes.  No one will ever think or care about you again.


Sincerely,
Me.

But this incident was particularly frustrating for me, because part of my nightly routine to wind down Charlotte is to watch several of these videos with her on my lap, and me browsing blogs, reddit and other ridiculous temporal black holes.  I wasn’t able to really do that, since half of the videos we watch every night were down.

Now, I don’t know about any of your kids out there in internetland… by mine isn’t fussy about sleep.  She doesn’t care for it in the least.  In the last 18 months, she might have slept for 15 minutes or so.  I can’t be sure.  I’m too fucking tired.  In addition to watching YouTube videos with her, I need to jump through flaming hoops, sing songs, dance, ride a BigWheel bike around the living room, and throw spaghetti noodles on the ceiling just to get her to yawn.  And when you take any of these crucial items out of the equation… she doesn’t sleep.

So obviously, the fact that the whole routine got delayed by an hour has me pretty much enraged.  If I were to get a hold of whatever dicknuckle thought it would be fun and original to repeatedly post porn to Sesame Street’s YouTube channel, it wouldn’t be pretty.  If it were filmed, it would probably fill the void anyone is feeling about there not being a new Saw sequel this Hallowe’en.  It would make the second half of Hostel look like Cinderella.  It would damn sure violate YouTube’s Terms of Service Agreement.

I understand the blowtorch… but what are the christmas tree decorations fo– 
 Oh.

Fat Dad With Glasses: Bachin’r

I was bachin’r last week.  That’s pronounced batch-in-er.  It’s derived from bacheloring.  Which, as far as I know, is also a fake word.  It’s when your spouse leaves you alone while they visit family or friends, and they take every other occupant of the household with them.  Wife, kids, pets, responsibilities of all kinds disappear for a period of time greater than one night but less than forever.  It’s also the reason I didn’t feel like blogging with so many other possibilities (video games) available to me.

I had been bachin’r since Sunday evening, when I got back from dropping Mel and Charlotte off at her parents’ place in the middle of Buttfuck Nowhere (BFN).  Here’s a map:

This is a null image.
Do not Google Image Search “Buttfuck Nowhere”.

The experience ended Friday evening when I returned to BFN.  Bachin’r is a wonderful time in a Fat Dad With Glasses’ life. It teaches you many different lessons that you need to be reminded of.

The first nights are wonderful.  Since it was insisted upon that the place be clean before we left, I got to return to a bright, clean, empty, quiet home.  After calling the family to say that I landed, I shut off the phone, and turned off pretty much every screen in the place, without having to put it on Yo Gabba Gabba or that goddamn Bruno Mars video with the monkeys.  My MMORPG of choice, City of Heroes, required an update, so that bought me some time to make food, perform 2 out of the 3 S’s, and watch stuff on TV that wasn’t fuzzy shit singing and dancing at me.

Once the update was done downloading, and applied and such, it was time to play.  I played like I was 20 again (i.e. pretty well constantly for the next 6 or 7 hours).  I had some beer.  Once that was over, I watched an insanely shitty zombie movie, read some of A Feast For Crows and went to bed.  Then… I woke up in the morning.  Not 4 times through the night to the screaming of my delightfully sleep-hating daughter.  I went to work, and the process repeated itself.

After those first few days are up, you slowly start to realize what your life would be like without your family.  That’s less than exciting.  But it’s great at the same time.  You appreciate your life and family and whatnot more, and you really look forward to seeing them again.  In my case, I also realize that without a female influence of some kind, I’m perfectly willing to live in complete squalor.  At least, you are until you realize that tomorrow you’ll have to head off to retrieve the family again and you need to suddenly make your home not look like it’s a warzone.

Pictured: Bachin’r, Day 3.
How am I going to clean up that tank without help?

Here are some of the week’s highlights and lowlights:

Brains…

‘Round about Day 4.


Fat Dad With Glasses: Influence

With great power comes great responsibility.

So now that my darling little rugrat is approaching a year and a half old, she’s getting smart. She’s also starting to show interest in things on TV. She’s noticing how we’ll play certain ways with certain toys. Because I’m slow, and not very bright, I’m just starting to realize how unimaginably quick she is to notice things, remember things and repeat things. This means it’s high time to start exposing her to awesomeness in all its forms.

She hasn’t got a chance.

Over the past few months, with a little help from Mom & Dad, she’s started to develop several different favourites. Her favourite animals at the moment are raccoons, horses, frogs and bunnies. She absolutely loves reading any books. She now loves the classic cast of Sesame Street (Pre-Elmo, that is. Elmo can go tickle himself, for all I care.) She also likes Yo Gabba Gabba.

But thanks to yours truly, she’s also in love with stuff that is fucking awesome. One of her favourite toys is a Hulk action figure. When she picks it up, she shouts “HULK! RRRAAAARRRGHHHHH!” Her favourite cartoons are ’67’s Spider-man and She-Ra: Princess of Power. She practically loses her shit when their theme songs start. I tried getting her to watch He-Man and the Masters of the Universe first, but she had nothing to do with it. Maybe once she’s more interested in She-Ra’s origins… Also, on that sheet up there, she likes to point out Yoda. Why? ‘Cause he’s Yoda. Duh. Kids fucking love Yoda.

And now she’s awake.

You’re not seriously posting this are you, Dad?