Mattel & Funko are Evil.

I find it incredibly funny how things work sometimes.

I’m not exactly sure how old Funko’s Pop! Vinyl Figure line has been going, but I can remember what I said the first time I ever saw one.

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I was looking at a wall of Marvel and DC figures in Chibi form, with price tags in the $20 range.  They were sitting next to a shelf of dusty looking bobble-heads.  I noted this, because I thought next to shitty bobble-heads is exactly where this shitty set of Chibi Fantastic Four Folks belonged.

“You’ll never catch me buying one of those,” I said outloud to no one in particular.  I like to talk to myself, because being a huge neckbearded mother fucker looking at a wall of old toys doesn’t make me seem creepy enough.

Last year, though, I discovered they were making a Masters of the Universe set in their line.  I skimmed over a few articles on the subject.  The line was going to consist of He-Man, Skeletor, Hordak, She-Ra and Beast Man.   Nothing really shocking there, and I found myself giving only the smallest, casual sort of fuck about the line.

I never wrote about them, I never commented on them, I certainly never looked into what it would take to buy one of them.

So, how the fuck did I end up with one?

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Arrested Development, Season 4

arrested-development-season-4-poster-2In an uncharacteristic change of pace… I think I’m going to be able to pull off this review, Spoiler Free*!

*Freedom isn’t free.  There is one spoiler in this review… and it’s not really a spoiler, so much as a mention of the fact that a specific running gag that does not show up in the new season.

Arrested Development‘s long, long, long, awaited fourth season was released as an exclusive title to Netflix’s streaming service Sunday.  15 all new episodes, varying in length from 30-40 minutes.  If you haven’t heard of Arrested Development, stop what you’re doing right now… right now and go watch it.  Start at the beginning.

Don’t worry.  I’ll wait for you.

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Dolph Double Dip

Bubbawheat, over at Flights, Tights and Movie Nights is running a little something called “The Comic Strip Double Dip Blogathon“.  The idea is to get all us writey types to focus our creative energies on one specific topic.  In this case, it’s exploring the performances of actors who have taken on more than one Comic Book inspired movie role.  He put together a big list, making it easy to pick out a topic, and right around the middle of it, staring back at me was the perfect excuse to re-watch two movies I’ve been dying to revisit for years.

DolphLundgren

That’s right…  Dolph Lundgren:  Frank Castle/He-Man.  Dolph plays Frank Castle in 1989’s The Punisher, and he plays He-Man in 1987’s Masters of the Universe.  I’ve got a few thoughts about these movies in general before we delve deep into Dolph dichotomy discussion.

Both of these films are widely viewed as completely awful movies that don’t do any justice to their source material. Oddly, in both cases, I remember thinking that they were, in fact, widely underrated.  On a more personal note, since I’m not a big Rocky fan (I like Rocky III, and acknowledge Rocky is something special), these two roles, for me, are Dolph’s defining roles.  I mean, I can name at least two other non-Expendables titles he’s been in, but these two movies I remember as Dolph Lundgren movies.

So, without further ado… let us determine the answer to the age old question that no one has ever bothered to ask…  “Who does Dolph Lundgren play better, He-man or Frank Castle?”

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Mongolian Death Worm (2010)

mongolian-death-worm-1I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me.  There are dozens, possibly dozens of dozens–which I guess would be grosses–of movies I haven’t seen, but have access to.  I’ve been really interested in watching LooperEquilibrium, and I don’t even know how many other titles lately.  But did I watch any of them?  Nope.

Instead of popping in the copies of those movies into my Blu-Ray player, I chose to stay at the computer, and run through Netflix’s streaming offering for the first time in a few weeks.  I saw a bunch of movies I’ve been interested in, and a few series, including the exclusive House of Cards series…  but did I watch any of them?  Nope.

Because there’s something wrong with me, I’m telling you.  In the recently added section, staring me in the face was Mongolian Death Worm.  I’d never heard of it.  We don’t get SyFy ’round these parts.  But since there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way my brain fires, I overlooked over a dozen movies, and a dozen shows I’ve been waiting and wanting to watch… and I put on Mongolian Fucking Death Worm.

I went into this movie with three expectations:

  1. It would be hilariously bad.
  2. It would look hilariously like shit.
  3. It would be an unabashed rip off of Tremors.

I was right about one thing.  It’s an unabashed rip off of Tremors.

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I Hate Daylight Savings Time ’13

Never been a fan of Daylight Savings Time.  I do not like it.  At all.  Twice a year I sharpen up my machete and try to put together a time machine to go back and right this injustice.

DST has been creeping more and more of our time away, to the point that “Standard” time is only 5 months out of the year and begging for a name change.  Maybe this will be the year that they finally bite the bullet and leave the clock the fuck alone.  At least until the next leap hour, anyway.

My Dinner With André (1981)

my-dinner-with-andre-1My Dinner With André is a 1981 film starring and written by André Gregory and Wallace Shawn.  Directed by Louis Malle, the movie showcases a conversation that takes place between André and Wally, where the duo confront the stark reality of the “modern” human existence, technology, comfort, life, death and all the high-brow topics that interest the artistic minds of early 1980s Theatre aficionados.

You’ll notice that earlier I capitalized the “T” in “Theatre”.  This is because it is clear when Wally and André speak, that they too are capitalizing the “T” whenever they say the word.  I’ll also be sure to include l’accent aigu whenever spelling André.

Simultaneously hoity and toity, this movie yammers on endlessly with high and mighty ideas of why society is irredeemable, and how every one around them in the circles they occupy never really live, or truly “see” anyone or anything.  The result is a movie that is clearly not in any way shape or form meant for me.

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Who Is That Fat Guy With Glasses?

So…  It’s been a while now that the Blog has been going again and before real-life and virtual life start making it nearly impossible to show up here and complain about stuff, I’ve just started to amass some statistics.  While almost everyone that is visiting the site comes looking for Meanwhile in Canada… or the blank polaroid image in Fat Dad With Glasses:  Bachin’r, some people do come here actually looking for stuff to read.  It’s quite annoying.

However…  There are a number of viewers that are coming from various search engines.  Google, Yahoo, various bots, and whatever the hell Yandex is… which is, I’m guessing, some kind of Russian Yahoo/Google Hybrid wearing bikershorts and a fur hat.  About 90% of those people that get here from those search engines are looking for one thing:

“Who is that fat guy with glasses in…?”

Well, I’m nothing else if not helpful.  That’s why, to the best of my ability, I’m going to answer their burning questions.  As far as my statistics (both from here, and my old blogspot site) would imply, these are the 5 most important and often searched for Fat Guys with Glasses on the interwebs.  Even though they have obviously been given a numerical ranking, they are in no particular order.  There is also absolutely no empirical evidence to support my claims/rankings regarding the popularity of these fellows.  Absolutely no science was harmed in the making of this list.

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2012 In Absolutes

2012

I know, I know, only a Sith deals in absolutes.  Anyway, this is an obligatory end of the year post that’s a day late, because I never finish anything I start on time.  This kind of stuff usually works best with bigger lists.  Especially since I have such a hard time picking a best of/worst of anything.  But I’m going to force myself to pick a best and worst, and a biggest surprise for each of the main media type things I consume regularly.  For anyone just tuning in to my rants, that’s books, movies, video games, TV and toys.  I like to leave music alone, because I just hate so goddamn much of it, and there really isn’t any good reason for it.

But that’s another rant.  So… here we go with 2012 In Absolutes*.

*please keep in mind that I haven’t seen, played or read many things that were released this year.  In regards to books, I haven’t read hardly anything at all that was released this year, so I’ll be dealing instead with the ones that I did indeed read, many of which were only really popularized this year because of movie tie-ins.

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Found On The Internet: Community on Beetlejuice.

Okay.  I want to make a post about my impressions of Season 3 so far.  I want to talk about how it’s just as good as the previous seasons, for the most part.  How each season has taken 3 episodes to set the stage, and then have the 4th episode shine brightly.  I want to talk about how this season’s Hallowe’en episode was a big disappointment, especially since the funniest line (“Teach me to read!”) was in the trailer.  I want to burst into “Kiss from a Rose” and fix some air conditioners with Black Hitler and an Astronaut making Panninis.

But I’m only on my lunch break, and I just saw this posted on Reddit, and I can’t help but share it.  So all those other thoughts will have to wait.

Watch the window as Beetlejuice’s 3rd mention on the show takes place.

I love this show. Please don’t cancel it NBC. Hell, aside from Parks and Rec, it’s the only show on TV I’m watching when it airs.

Found On the Internet: Community Season 2 Recut Psycho-Romance-Suspense Montage

They might look happy… but they’re all murdererererers.

I enjoy re-cut trailers. I enjoy Community. So when I happened upon a video re-cutting Season 2 of Community into a Fatal Attraction-type Psycho-Romance thing… I was interested.

I came across this link on Community’s Facebook newsfeed… which put me at Entertainment Weekly‘s Inside TV blog. Which had made a post embedding a video from NBC’s website. And in order for you to watch it, you’ll need to click once more. Or look it up for yourself. But that’s seriously much more work. Why would you do that?

We need to go deeper.

Season 3 of Community starts next Thursday, Sept. 22, on NBC. Now with 100% more John Goodman.

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