Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor (2011)

Thunderstorm ThorWhat the fuck did I just watch?  Why did I watch all of it?  What is wrong with me?  Seriously.  There’s something not firing right in my brain.  I watched the whole thing.  I’m reasonably sure that watching the entirety of this movie qualifies me as a self-mutilator now, and that I may need to be put on some kind of self-harm watch list.

I mean, sure, it’s a Canadian made, Direct-to-Video, Superhero movie.  I went in knowing it would be bad… maybe even awful.  But I had no idea it’d be like this.  Never like this.

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The Liebster Award (with All New* 2016 Updates!)

Awesomely Stolen Bandwidth

I got awarded an extremely important award for Outstanding Achievement in Excellence.  Brikhaus nominated me, with others, for this Liebster Award thing.  Here is what it means:

The Liebster Award is given to a blogger who has less than 200 followers. Liebster in German means “beloved, favorite, dearest.” The goal of the Liebster Award is the help new or growing blogs connect with other bloggers. It’s a good way for readers to discover new blogs.

At first, I thought I shouldn’t qualify because this December will be my 5 Year On-And-Off-Iversary, so I wouldn’t say my blog is “new”, and my promotion is non-existent and my posting schedule is practically pre-menopausal levels of erratic.  I say that as a early-to-mid-30s man who knows nothing about menopause.  But being a man, I must assume I know everything, and that it’s either erratic, non-dependable, or basically non-occuring, which is how I like to schedule my posts.  So I wouldn’t call it growing, either.

Anyway, where was I going with that?  Oh yeah.  I probably shouldn’t qualify.  But since this thing is asking me to talk about me, and talking about me is easy, because I’m me, and I know what I’m thinking, I figured fuck it.  Let’s talk.

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I *still* fucking hate commercials.

So, the little bit of TV that I have watched these last few weeks has been full of commercials as always. But one particular brand of commercial has been standing out quite a bit lately. Yogurt. Fucking yogurt commercials are on every goddamn show on every goddamn channel, every goddamn day.

Yogurt commercials, like most commercials for consumables these days, are particularly bad offenders for creating scientific sounding, market-friendly words… or “Making Shit Up”, as they call it in the real world. I don’t know what the flying fuck a B.L. Regularis is supposed to be, but I can damn well fuckin’ assure you it is either:

  • A) No where’s near as fancy and scientific as they’d have you believe.
  • 2) Real, but completely fucking devoid of any kind of value on a digestive level
  • iii) Completely and utterly made the fuck up bullshit.

Same thing goes with Omega anything, Pre and Pro-biotic blah blah blah, and whatever the fuck Saturn’s yellow rings are supposed to represent. Which of course, is a whole other ball game. Why, WHY, is all the “good stuff” in yogurt commercials yellow? They’re hinting at it making you crap more, right? If my crap was to come out in yellow balls… well… Let’s just say there’s a short list of things that would make me go to the doctor, and you can be damn well sure that shitting out yellow balls patterned into an arrow shaped form is on that fucking list.

Now I’m so worked up, I’m too fucking lazy to YouTube these piece of shit commercials so I can growl about them more. I fucking hate commercials.

I Fucking Hate Commericals

I can’t fucking stand commercials. They’re all fucking stupid. Even the ones I like, I fucking hate, because they’re commercials. I’m sure there’s all sorts of ways that they benefit the world… increasing employment, getting out an important message, generally increasing economic growth…

See what I did there? I could have used “stimulating” rather than “increasing” there, but then I’d be an even bigger asshole than I already am. I’m so fucking sick of the word stimulate/stimulating/stimulus that I could scream. But that’s another post. I’m here to bitch about commercials.

As I said, I’m sure they’re great for all kinds of really important fucking reasons. But mostly, they drive me up the fucking wall. Last night was particularly bad for me. I was trying to watch what turned out to be a really shitastic episode of Heroes, when every 15 minutes or so, I got hit with a ton of my most hated commercials. At this moment, I’m mostly riled up about how terrible the gum commercials are… so that’s what I’m going to focus on.

Dentyne – Make Face Time

So this fucking thing is on all the fucking time.  I’ve seen this more of this fucking thing in the last few months than I have of snowflakes.  And I live in Eastern Canada.  I’ve seen a pile of fucking snowflakes.  This pile of dogshit is actually a shorter version of another commercial they made a few months back.  Shorter should be better and less annoying right?  Wrong.   At least in the longer version you didn’t have some fucking idiot read the text to us.  Oh, does that really say the original instant message?  If kids can’t read that they’re not fucking smart enough to buy your piece of shit gum.

And the message they’re conveying…  Oooh we’re so fucking hip.  We know technology has destroyed the way people think about social relationships.  A peck kiss is the original instant message.  Fuck you.  “Mmmlunh.”  That was the original instant message.  Two fucking cave assholes.  One was probably trying to sell the other one a sharpened stone for 2 round ones and a stick or some fucking thing.  A peck on the lips isn’t even a fucking message.  It sends one, sure.  But it is not, in itself, a message.  I’d like to film myself hitting whatever choda-licking douche came up with this one with a sledgehammer and edit in that pop they use for when their skull caves in and blood splurts out on the lens a little.
Also… fuck off with the hip indy style music.  I don’t give a shit how popular Lily Allen, Feist or any other neo-hippie, indy rock near-starlets are becoming.  Just because Belle & Sebastian are showing up on a shitton of Last.fm playlists in recent years doesn’t mean that the music sounds good.  Shoo sha sho shut the fuck up.
Trident Xtra Care – Thank You

This one… angers me beyond words.  When I watch it, I want to puke.  Creating this shit is what someone is using their graphic arts degree on.  They went to school for years to learn how to design and animate.  And this thing is what they’re using their hard earned skills for.

The idea is tired.  The use of computer animation is tired.  The making up of words  is tired.  Seriously, Recaldent?  Recaldent?  Holy shit, I need some of that.  I can almost feel the calcuim of my teeth regenerating at the look of the word.  I bet the janitor needed the Xtra big mop to clean the jizz off the marketing boardroom floor.
I long for these days :
Remember then? When catchy tunes and strong sexual overtones sold us gum instead of stupid fucking animations, an annoying voice and a ridiculous face?  That jingle was so successful in brainwashing me and my generation that when they made fun of it years later every one of us had a collective nostalgasm and bought some Juicy Fruit, even though the taste now lasted for only 30 seconds instead of 60.
Know how soon I’m going to buy some Trident Xtra Care?  Never.  Ever.  If Mel buys it, I’ll throw it out.  I would greatly appreciate it if they’d lick my Recaldent™.

Saving Daylight

So, this weekend, according to two or three of the calendars that I flipped over today anyway, is the start of Daylight Savings Time. Which means we’ll throw away another hour, to the benefit of no-one, for no real good reason.

A popular myth is that they started this crock of shit for the farmers, letting them have more daylight to work by or some shit. Except the fucking farmers have exactly the same amount of daylight to work with, whether we fuck around with our clocks or not. Just because we spin some little plastic shit a twelfth of a circle doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to the sun. It still rises and sets based on gravity and axises and our spinning and shit, just like always.

Whatever bullshit reason they had for starting this shit, the need has long passed. What exactly the fuck do they think we’re saving? “This way, it won’t get dark until 9! If it’s brighter for later in the day we won’t have our lights on,” That’s another steaming load I’ve heard people spout. Know what lights most North American rooms by 9pm? You’re fucking looking at it right now. TVs and Monitors. They’re the lamps of the 21st fucking century, and they’re not going to take any less juice in a bright evening than in a dark one.

And why the fuck does the summer daylight need saving, like it’s some starving kid in Africa? You know what daylight needs saving? Winter daylight. If we saved our fucking daylight in winter, it wouldn’t get dark at goddamn 4 o’clock. And apparently the evening is when we need to save our daylight, right? That’s the whole fucking point, isn’t it? So yeah, fuck it. I guess we do need to jump ahead an hour, in November… right about the fucking time we’re supposed to fall back. Fuck that shit.

Why haven’t we just altogether thrown that hour away yet? No one wants to keep changing their fucking clocks. Some studies… probably bullshit, like all studies, but still… some studies show that people drop from the stress of losing and/or gaining hours every year. We clearly don’t need the 4 months (That’s all that’s left. Four fucking months) of “Standard” time. Let it go. If anyone in charge of this shit is reading this, please, Spring forward this year, and don’t look back.