Snakes on a Plane (2006)

 

Snakes on a Plane 2006Wait… What?  2006?  2006!?  There is no fucking way that this movie is almost 8 years old.  Kids born the year this movie came out are not only in school, but they’re like in their 2nd or 3rd year.  That is messed up.  Time sure does fly.

Like an airplane.

BOOM.  Segue mastered.

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Review Grab Bag (1-12-14): Meanwhile… in Canada Edition

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It’s the first Fat Guy With Glasses post of 2014!  Woo!  New Years and shit!  It’s 2014’s first Review Grab Bag.  As you all know, a Review Grab Bag is a like a paper bag lunch, full of a few paragraphs on some things that I just wasn’t able to write a long winded, “insightful” review about.  It’s also kinda list-esque, if you squint and tilt your head a bit.

Since it’s a contractual obligation for every blogger to have their first post of any given year be either a Happy New Year post, or some kind of list, this is what you get.  Sure, it’s usually supposed to be a Best/Worst list or an “I’m certainly never doing this again” list, I think the Blog Police will let me slide with this… as long as I wish everyone a Happy New Year at some point.

As it turns out, as an overall percentage, I watched a large number of Canadian Indie Films in 2013.  Some, like One Week, or Adventures of Thunderstorm:  Return of Thor, I was able to eek out full reviews for.  Others, my impressions were not so easy to articulate.  Sorry, you’ll just have to settle for a couple paragraphs abuht each, eh?

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Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor (2011)

Thunderstorm ThorWhat the fuck did I just watch?  Why did I watch all of it?  What is wrong with me?  Seriously.  There’s something not firing right in my brain.  I watched the whole thing.  I’m reasonably sure that watching the entirety of this movie qualifies me as a self-mutilator now, and that I may need to be put on some kind of self-harm watch list.

I mean, sure, it’s a Canadian made, Direct-to-Video, Superhero movie.  I went in knowing it would be bad… maybe even awful.  But I had no idea it’d be like this.  Never like this.

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Thor: The Dark World (2013)

ThorThe Dark WorldThere’s an old Norse saying:  “When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.”  At least I think that’s an old Norse saying.  I might be confusing it with something else.

In Thor:  The Dark World Chris Hemworth once again dons hammer and cape of the Odinson, Thor.  This time, the fate of the entire 9 realms is in his hands.  A phenomenon known as “The Convergence”, the alignment of all 9 realms, approaches.  This once-every-five-millenia occurence causes all sorts of bizarre spatial and gravitational side effects on each realm, which offers the evil Dark Elf Malekith  a chance to put them all at risk.

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King Ralph (1991)

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Hold on a second…  King Ralph?  Who the hell even remembers that there’s a movie called King Ralph?  You’re telling me I haven’t even written a review for World War Z or Grand Theft Auto V yet… but I’m churning out 600 words on fucking King Ralph?  Why the hell would anyone be reviewing King Ralph in the year 2013?  

Well, if you’re a fan of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart you might be able to hazard a guess.  Last night (Oct. 5, 2013) on the show, John Goodman was the guest.  Stewart showered him with praise saying “You never suck in anything… In everything you do, it’s awesome.

Challenge_accepted

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Phoning It In: The Crow (1994)

The CrowIt’s pretty much the end of October, and I still haven’t posted yet!  Since I’m not about to churn out my first impressions of the first 3 episodes of The Walking Dead Season 4 tonight, I’m pretty much going to have to phone one in this month.

But, hey!  It’s Devil’s Night!  I haven’t watched The Crow in about 5 years.  The following is a review I wrote on Epinions.com pretty much exactly 10 years before my wife’s labour kicked it into high gear before our daughter was born.

I can’t say I actually remember the night, but I can pretty much assume how it went.  Mel and I got wrecked at a mutual friends place, came back to “our” (my) room in the dorms, watched The Crow, and headed off to the computer lab to waste time on the internet.  Sometime after 2, I probably played some Wild 9 on the PS1 and watched an episode or 12 of Rurouni Kenshin.  Yeah, even back then our Saturday nights were off the hook.

Anyway, click Continue Reading if you want to read my assessment of my 50th or so watching of The Crow, that was probably watched high, possibly written high, definitely written poorly.

Black Belt Jones (1974)

Black Belt JonesSunday, I learned that Jim Kelly had lost his battle with cancer on Sat. June 29, 2013 at the age of 67.  This was particularly sad news for me, because Kelly’s work basically introduced me to an entire genre of cheesetastic greatness that I hadn’t really been aware of.

You might remember Kelly, and his fabulous afro, from Bruce Lee’s Enter The Dragon where he was too busy lookin’ good.  The role was small, but Kelly stood out enough to carve a career out for himself in the heyday of 70s Blaxplotation.  The year after Enter The Dragon, Jim Kelly starred in Black Belt Jones, which is quite possibly my personal favourite So-Bad-It’s-Good movie in existence.

Poppa Byrd (Scatman Crothers) runs a local karate school to help keep the community youth out of trouble.  Lately, Pops has returned to his old gambling ways, and leaves the running of the school in the hands of Toppy (Alan Weeks) and top student Quincy (Eric Laneuville).  But when local mobster Don Steffano (Andre Phillipe) sends his henchmen Big Tuna (Vincent Barbi) and Blue Eyes (Mel Novak) to pressure on a community drug dealer named Pinky (Malik Carter) to acquire the dojo, things escalate quickly. Pops’ prize student Black Belt Jones (Jim Kelly) must come to their aid and clobber the mob in Black Belt Jones.

In the late 90s I rented this movie for no other reason than the look of the box art.  Look at it up there.  A blaxplotation kung-fu movie.  There was no way that this wouldn’t be one of the tastiest slices of cheddar I ever bit into.  I couldn’t even imagine how fantastic it was going to turn out.

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Man of Steel (2013)

Man of SteelThis review will contain minor spoilers, and hint towards larger ones that any critical thinker could probably deduce.  Consider yourself warned.

 Man of Steel is the story of an alien, raised on Earth, to be the best person he can be.  But when his own kind come looking for him, he’s got to finally put his trust in the hands of weaker–almost to the point of uselessness–former enemies.  Willing to sacrifice everything he believes in for the people of Earth, this alien must triumph over evil.  But at what cost?

In short, Man of Steel is the best episode of Dragonball Z I’ve ever seen.

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Review Grab Bag (6-15-13)

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So, usually when I haven’t blogged much over a week or two, it’s because I haven’t had much time to consume any media.  This time, it’s because I haven’t happened to consume much media that I could write multiple paragraphs on.  Seriously.  I’ve watched several movies these past weeks… but even though I’ve really enjoyed, or even loved, them… I’ve just got nothing much to say about them.  So I had to save ’em up… and it’s RGB time, bitches.

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Side By Side (2012)

Side By SideSide By Side is a documentary that looks at the film industry’s gradual shift from film cameras to digital cameras.  That simple summary makes it sound like it must be the most boring thing in the world.  For many, I’m sure it would be.  However, nearly all  the industry’s top directors sit down with Keanu Reeves (Woah) and have a chat about their personal history with both old fashioned movie making, and their impressions of all the ways digital methods and computers have revolutionized the industry over the past 30 or so years.

My standard Documentary Disclaimer applies once again.  Very, very few documentaries are interesting if you aren’t at least moderately interested in the subject matter going in.  If you don’t enjoy dogs, don’t watch a documentary that delves into the learning patterns and behaviours of man’s best friend.  If the behind-the-scenes processes of movies is less interesting to you than watching paint dry on growing grass… please, don’t think that a glowing endorsement from me means that this is the movie for you.

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