Snakes on a Plane (2006)

 

Snakes on a Plane 2006Wait… What?  2006?  2006!?  There is no fucking way that this movie is almost 8 years old.  Kids born the year this movie came out are not only in school, but they’re like in their 2nd or 3rd year.  That is messed up.  Time sure does fly.

Like an airplane.

BOOM.  Segue mastered.

Snakes on a Plane stars Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson, a detective who has promised to protect the only witness alive willing to testify against the Hawaiian Yakuza.  Or something.  Look.  It’s not important.  The witness sees a guy get beaten with a baseball bat, and the guy doing the beating fills a plane with sex crazed snakes of all shapes and sizes.

Well… maybe not shapes.  They’re mostly snake-shaped.  Mostly.

So, once they’re all in the air, a crate of flowers explodes in the cargo bay and CGI-riffic snakes storm the plane, latching on to exposed body parts and electrical wiring and killing things.

Okay, I think I've got it, hon.  Try rebooting the router again.

Okay, I think I’ve got it, hon. Try rebooting the router again.

It might’ve been a bit of a slow burn, but once this thing got fired up, I was on board 100%.  Almost everything I was hoping to see happened.  Some things I never thought I’d see in a million years happened.  For instance, not only is this the only action movie I can think of that has a dog, but no Save-The-Dog-Moment… it actually gets to feature an Avenge-The-Dog-Moment, which I feel is a million times more satisfying.

Oh... [Spoilers] I guess...

Oh… [Spoilers] I guess…

It took me this long to finally watch this movie because people had told me it didn’t live up to their expectations.  Well, I’ve finally seen it.  I have to ask any of you who might’ve seen it, and said that… What exactly the fuck were you expecting?

This movie has almost everything anyone could have gone in hoping to see:

  • Snakes
  • A Plane
  • Sam Jackson
  • Over-acting
  • Under-acting
  • Death
  • Tits
  • Bad jokes
  • Awful story
  • Plot holes
Pictured:  Samuel L. Jackson, literally hurdling over his dignity to give fans what they want.

Pictured: Samuel L. Jackson hurdling over his dignity to give fans what they want.

Hell… they even went back and re-shot a sequence to make sure we got the line “I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.”  Granted, I don’t remember seeing Mr. Jackson punch a snake… but we all know that’s a feat that is best performed by JCVD in a mullet.

Snakes on a Plane is not Citizen Kane.  You will not need your brain.  In fact, your brain will probably put on parachute and jump right the fuck out of your head.  This is an action/comedy.  It’s the missing link between the cheesey creature features of the 50s and 60s, and the cheesey Blank-Shark (or Shark-Blank) SyFy originals of today.  If you keep this in mind, I don’t know how you could come away disappointed.

Maybe, with 8 years distance between the crazy hype that surrounded this, it’s a little bit easier to not have been disappointed by it.  All I know is I really wish I had seen it in theatres.

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7 comments on “Snakes on a Plane (2006)

  1. Nice segue. I did see this movie in theaters! I knew it would be terrible, and it was pretty glorious for it. I haven’t seen it since. Perhaps it’s time for a rewatch?

    • That was a segue for the ages, man. For the ages.

      I’m ashamed to admit I let money and a number of co-workers, who were equally excited as I was to see it, but said it didn’t live up to the hype at all, keep me from seeing it in theatres.

  2. I haven’t seen this, but considering the hype from the very beginning was “This is going to be so bad it’ll be good”, I can’t see how it could fail to live up to the hype unless it just wound up smack in bland territory. And I just don’t see a film with Samuel L. Jackson yelling at snakes landing in bland territory.

    • My best guess, from my vague recollections of talk with co-workers, is that since it takes 30 or so minutes to really take off and run with the insanity, that some folks did think it was kinda bland. I totally disagree, but YMMV.

      Honestly, as I said, with the exception of them not even bothering to set up the whole scenario–just have them jump straight into the carnage–and/or Sam Jackson punching a snake, I can’t imagine now what someone would want that they didn’t deliver on.

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