What the fuck did I just watch? Why did I watch all of it? What is wrong with me? Seriously. There’s something not firing right in my brain. I watched the whole thing. I’m reasonably sure that watching the entirety of this movie qualifies me as a self-mutilator now, and that I may need to be put on some kind of self-harm watch list.
I mean, sure, it’s a Canadian made, Direct-to-Video, Superhero movie. I went in knowing it would be bad… maybe even awful. But I had no idea it’d be like this. Never like this.
Normally, with a movie this terrible, I like to skip over the whole plot synopsis thing. However, this is an absolute shitstorm of horrible, and I feel that point can best be conveyed from me to you by attempting to explain the plot.
The movie is about an evil cult trying to raise Hel (Yes, that pun is intentional. I’m pretty sure it appeared in the movie twice) with 3 Norse Amulets of the MacGuffin or something. When Odin and Thor discover their evil doings, they discuss their options. They discuss these options for a very long time. This wound’t be so bad, except… they’re not played by actors. They’re ghostly headshots–that’s right, still photos–in terrible helmets, floating against a shiny purple tinted Aurora Borealis effect. One of them is the film’s “Director” Brett Kelly.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. They’re discussing their options, and decide the best option is to convey Thor’s power onto one of his direct descendants. Fortunately, one of Thor’s direct descendants happens to work for the plainest, most boring looking SECRET FACILITY OF SCIENCE ever captured on film. I swear to you, the “Science” scenes were filmed in one corner of a vacant apartment. You know the corner… the one that usually ends up as a dining room that never gets used? It just has crap pile up on the table, because honestly… who lives in an apartment and eats at the table? No one, that’s who. So the crap just keeps piling, and piling until finally you find yourself coming home from class screaming “Seriously, Steve? What the fuck are you going to do with 3 dozen blank VHS tapes? And why the fuck is there vinegar in an open jar on the table? Go fuck yourself, Steve.”
Sorry. Sidetracked again. So Thor’s Great-to-the-Power-of-Infinity Grandson is part of a two man team that just happens to be developing a super suit–one that is definitely not a repurposed Batman Halloween costume with a modded Iron Man toy helmet. They also repainted and attached some plastic crap to a Hasbro/Marvel Thor hammer and said it focused the suit’s power or some bullshit. Of course, once Great-Great-Grand-Thor gets blasted with some Adobe After Effects, he puts on the suit and sets out to stop crime or something.
And good for him, too. Way to put yourself out there, Great-Great-Grand-Thor. Great responsibility and all that.
Fortunately, there happens to be some crime nearby. A MacGuffin has been stolen and Great-Great-Grand-Thor manages to disrupt the getaway or something. He manages to save the most basic stereotype of a Female Police Detective since… I don’t know… any of them. She doesn’t trust him, of course, and they’re off “downtown” for questioning in a room that is definitely not the same dining room corner of the same vacant apartment.
The evil cult manages to raise Hel (HA! Puns. They’re the coolest). Hel manages to raise a dragon. People get shot by Dollar Store guns with repainted orange nobs. If you aren’t already, it’s somewhere around here where you’ll be standing on the stool with a noose around your neck, taking a selfie, and captioning it “Listen, Brett Kelly, I fucking mean it. If this doesn’t end soon, I’m gonna fucking go through with it. My fucking kid’s going to grow up without a father, and that’ll be on your head,” as you post it to Instagram.
Speaking of frustratingly shitty visual effects… What you’ve got in Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor are some of the worst this side of a Community College Multimedia class. They’re so awful they manage to actually detract from the already awful acting, writing, directing and cinematography. On every quantifiable level upon which a film can be judged this film fails miserably, but the effects are probably the most cringe-worthy.
Don’t get me wrong. I love a good shitfest. Under the right circumstances–If I was still 20, still drunk, and still watching movies in a sweaty 16×12 dorm room full of other young, drunk idiots–this movie would be an all time classic. The trouble starts with me not being any of those things any more. It ends with this movie really feeling like the cinematic representation of 100% pure apathy. When you’re not even attempting to try while making a movie, your movie ends up not even working on a shitty level.
Bottom Line: Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor looks and feels like porn… without nudity or fucking.
Editor’s Note: I started writing this review after I originally watched it, about a week before Halloween 2013. This fucking movie is so terrible that I couldn’t get anything other than the first paragraph out of my system for nearly 2 months.