Who Is That Fat Guy With Glasses?

So…  It’s been a while now that the Blog has been going again and before real-life and virtual life start making it nearly impossible to show up here and complain about stuff, I’ve just started to amass some statistics.  While almost everyone that is visiting the site comes looking for Meanwhile in Canada… or the blank polaroid image in Fat Dad With Glasses:  Bachin’r, some people do come here actually looking for stuff to read.  It’s quite annoying.

However…  There are a number of viewers that are coming from various search engines.  Google, Yahoo, various bots, and whatever the hell Yandex is… which is, I’m guessing, some kind of Russian Yahoo/Google Hybrid wearing bikershorts and a fur hat.  About 90% of those people that get here from those search engines are looking for one thing:

“Who is that fat guy with glasses in…?”

Well, I’m nothing else if not helpful.  That’s why, to the best of my ability, I’m going to answer their burning questions.  As far as my statistics (both from here, and my old blogspot site) would imply, these are the 5 most important and often searched for Fat Guys with Glasses on the interwebs.  Even though they have obviously been given a numerical ranking, they are in no particular order.  There is also absolutely no empirical evidence to support my claims/rankings regarding the popularity of these fellows.  Absolutely no science was harmed in the making of this list.

NUMBER FIVE:

Who is that fat guy with glasses in that lip syncing video?  

Gary “Numa Numa” Brolsma


Numa Links:

Unless today is your first day on the internet, you’ve probably seen this particular video before.  One of the internet’s breakout “stars”.  Just a dumb kid from New Jersey doing stupid shit in front of a camera.  Now he’s arguably rich and famous.  I say arguably because I have no idea how much money he made off this video, and it would probably upset me to find out.

Also… he is not me, and has nothing to do with this site.  This is probably good, since his own attempt at a comedic v’logging site, newnuma.com, doesn’t seem to have had anything posted since 2010.  Now, I’m not saying I’m the most regular poster in the blogosphe—NO.  I am not using that word… poster on the internet…  but at least I’m making good on the only guideline I set for myself… “Have I made a post this calendar year?”

NUMBER FOUR:

Who is that fat guy with glasses in that Star Wars video?

Ghyslain “Star Wars Kid” Raza

Star Wars Kid Links:

See, now here’s a poor bastard I can relate to.  Ghyslain made the above video of himself in a school basement, and was stupid enough to forget the fucking thing at school.  Some assholes found it and passed it around a fledgling web like they were sitting in a circle on the 50 fucking yard line after a party at the Moon Tower.  Needless to say, High School life for poor Ghyslain was ruined.

Or at least it was… until he sued the families of the guys that encoded and posted the video for a quarter million dollars.  Now he’s in law school, and the head of some annoying Quebec Heritage foundation.  There’s a joke here about how one side of his lightsaber had to be 50% larger than the shorter, English speaking side…  but I’m not sure how to word it, and no one outside of Canada would get it… so I won’t make it.

But seriously.  Look at that yo-yo.  That’s the way you do it.  I had much the same issues as poor Ghyslain, in that I was mocked repeatedly for doing and liking stupid shit.  I’m sure most of us did.  No, I didn’t get posted on the internet and publicly mocked, but that probably had more to do with the fact that a picture required tying up a phone line the entire night to download.  I don’t mean to sound like a 99%’er begging for my bailout… but–fuck no, I do mean to…  Where the fuck is my bailout?  I want my awkward high schooler money.  I could use that shit to buy diapers.

NUMBER THREE:

Who is that fat guy with glasses in that “I’m a Mac” commercial?

John “I’m a”–Wait a minute…

Woah, woah, woah…  Hold the fucking horse and apple cart.  Fat guy in the Mac commercials?  Seriously? FAT guy in the mac commercials?  Even by Hollywood standards he’s just chubby.  Compared to real world North American people, that’s practically dying of starvation.  There is no Fat Guy with Glasses in the Mac Commercials…  but since the other guy is only average build, or possibly even considered skinny, and has no glasses, you must mean:

John “I’m a PC” Hodgman

John Hodgman Links:
http://www.areasofmyexpertise.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Hodgman
https://twitter.com/#!/hodgman

Seriously, though?  What fucking pinhead was looking for him, calling him “fat”?  If he’s fat, what the flying fuck am I?  I could probably eat 2 John Hodgmans for breakfa–wait… that came out wrong.

Anyway, “I’m a PC” guy is John Hodgman.  He’s an author, actor and regular guest contributor to “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central.  I’d provide a link, but I can’t look at anything on Comedy Central’s website because of an exclusivity deal with Canada’s Comedy Network.  So quit being so goddamn lazy and watch him contribute with Jon Stewart (Not the Green Lantern one) and the gang.

NUMBER TWO:

Who is that fat guy with glasses in “Community”?

Erik Charles “Garrett” Nielsen

Garrett Links:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3121219
http://www.funnyordie.com/topic/erik-charles-neilsen
https://twitter.com/#!/ecnielsen

Erik Charles Nielsen plays Garrett on NBC’s Community.  I’m guessing it’s the fact that I’ve mentioned Community so often in the blog that people searching for Garrett get sent here.  Erik is an up and coming comedic character actor and stand-up comedian.  He has several videos of his standup act on YouTube, and is pretty active at Twitter.   He also left a pretty awesome rant regarding Community’s fanbase claiming the show would absolutely suck over at the AVClub.  It’s the top comment on that link.

Honestly, I don’t know that much about him.  I can say with certainty, however, that he is definitely not me.

NUMBER ONE:

Who is that fat guy with glasses in “Hollywood Squares”?

Bruce “I Don’t Think He Has a Nickname” Vilanch

Vilanch Links:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0897358
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Vilanch
http://www.wegotbruce.com

I know, I know, that looks like Whoopi Goldberg, not a Fat Guy with Gla–well, not like Bruce Vilanch, anyway. Start that video around the 5:03 mark to see the FGWG in question.  Bruce Vilanch has been in the entertainment industry for many years.  He’s been writing for the Oscars since ’89, and has been head writer since 2000.  He’s starred in his own off-broadway one-man show.  He was a writer on several Comic Relief shows, and the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special.  He’s even won 6 Emmys for his work on the Oscars.

But not one bit of that makes a lick of difference.  The only thing you recognize him for is being the fat, flaming guy in the feiry red glasses hanging out on Whoopi Goldberg’s right on Hollywood Squares.  I’m guessing that sharing the same first name as Mr. Vilanch is what drew search results to my little shithole corner of the internet when folks would look for him.  These days he seems to be whoring himself onto whatever reality show program will have him, as well as undoubtedly making notes on whatever pop-culture stuff is happening at this very moment, ensuring that the jokes at this years Oscars are appropriately based off of old news.

And there you have it.  5 Fat Guys With Glasses that people are looking for on the internet that end up here.  I can’t really imagine why anyone would be actively searching for these people, unless they were writing this specific blog post for me.  And they weren’t.  I did that all by myself like a big boy.

Not me.

Not me.

Mildly Interesting Aside #1:  Oddly, posting that picture makes me realize that Wayne Knight must be popular enough, or have enough name recognition, that at no point has “Who is that fat guy with glasses from Seinfeld?” popped up on my stats screen.

He's not me, either.

He’s still not me, either.

Mildly Interesting Aside #2:  I started writing this post originally back in June 2012, when I was still on Blogger, using the handle “Bruce”.  I deleted a few posts after the move.  Between that, and the actual move away from Blogger, I haven’t seemed to get as many of these results pointed at me anymore.   I even checked by googling these questions, and the only one that I appear on the front page for is Garrett.  Back when I started writing this, I showed up on the front page for Garrett, Vilanch and Hodgman.

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3 comments on “Who Is That Fat Guy With Glasses?

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