Somebody Save Me.

Happy 2011. It’s been a while. Oh well.

So, apparently I must have a face that attracts batshit crazy people.
The other day I’m waiting in line at an ATM in a grocery store. My wife has our daughter and is travelling through the store shopping. I’m standing a comfortable 2 or 3 paces away from the woman using the machine. I do this for a couple reasons:
1) I’m a very large man, and if I was standing directly behind you while you proceeded to deal with your financial transactions, it would make you nervous.
2) At this particular ATM, in an amazing feat of commercial building design, there is an elevator door directly beside it. If anyone lined up near the ATM and someone came out of the elevator, they would get a big facefull of line.
3) I’m not a douchebag.
So, I’m waiting in line. Well, seeing how there’s no one behind me, I suppose I am the line. Anyway, I’m waiting there. Suddenly a second woman rushes up behind the one using the ATM. I’m pretty sure the first woman could feel the breath of the second on her neck. And she’s dancing in place. Quite fidgety, this second woman is. So, she’s dancing around, gathering up Jebas knows what out of her purse and looking around. Her eyes meet mine. I nod politely. The woman continues to look around and dance.
Suddenly she realizes she’s cut in front of me. She says “Oh. Sorry,” and takes her rightful place behind me. No harm done. But after a minute or so, I realize that she’s dancing like she’s ready to explode, and may be in some kind of a hurry. Wifey is still shopping, so I’m in no rush. To hell with it. I’ll let this woman go ahead of me.
“My wife’s still shopping, I’m in no hurry. Would you like to go first?” I ask. I shouldn’t have. The reply was just about the most random response to a normal question I’ve ever gotten.
“No thanks, I’m not in a rush,” She said. It should have stopped there. But she thought about it for a second, and decided that I really needed to know more, and continued on.
“I’ll tell you what I could use, though. Is for Steven Seagal to come save me. You ever watch his movies? Some good. I’ve got a couple family members that could use a little street justice, you know? They’re always mixed up with drugs. And drugs are no good. Don’t matter if you’re usin’ ’em or sellin’ ’em. It’s all illegal, knowwhatimean? Drains the bank, too. Yup. Sure do love watching them old Steven Seagal movies though. Mmm.”
So, I smiled, nodded, and when the first lady finished at the ATM, I used it as quickly as possible and all but ran to the safety of my loving wife, before I laughed or cried and ended up receiving some unexpected Street Justice.