Prejudging Candy.

Tonight, while buying groceries, I saw something that I can’t believe actually exists. What is this?

Seriously… what the fuck is a midgee? How have I not been let in on this before now? How, in this day and age, can such a product exist on store shelves without hell itself opening up and swallowing us all whole? Just because you change a letter in a word to make it sound cute, doesn’t mean that your average every day person can’t still tell what exactly the word had been derived from. Especially when your product is smaller than normal.

Don’t get me wrong, being as completely politically incorrect as I am, I find this product hilarious. No doubt it has been around for decades, infuriating Little People all over the western world. I’d love to have been in on the board room discussion for that one.

“They’re basically normal candy… but smaller.”

“Heh… Like midgets. I like it. Let’s call ’em Tootsie Roll Midgets.”

“But sir, won’t someone get offended?”

“You’re right. But I like this midget angle. Any suggestions?”

“Bite-size? Minis? Midgees? Teenies? Widdle Tootsies?”

“What was that third one again?”

“The one that was basically Midget, without actually saying it? Midgees. I was just kidding, I’m pretty sure someone would still find th–“

“Goddamn, I think we’ve struck gold here, gentlmen. This is a fucking slam dunk. What’s next?”