I can’t fucking stand commercials. They’re all fucking stupid. Even the ones I like, I fucking hate, because they’re commercials. I’m sure there’s all sorts of ways that they benefit the world… increasing employment, getting out an important message, generally increasing economic growth…
See what I did there? I could have used “stimulating” rather than “increasing” there, but then I’d be an even bigger asshole than I already am. I’m so fucking sick of the word stimulate/stimulating/stimulus that I could scream. But that’s another post. I’m here to bitch about commercials.
As I said, I’m sure they’re great for all kinds of really important fucking reasons. But mostly, they drive me up the fucking wall. Last night was particularly bad for me. I was trying to watch what turned out to be a really shitastic episode of Heroes, when every 15 minutes or so, I got hit with a ton of my most hated commercials. At this moment, I’m mostly riled up about how terrible the gum commercials are… so that’s what I’m going to focus on.
Dentyne – Make Face Time
So this fucking thing is on all the fucking time. I’ve seen this more of this fucking thing in the last few months than I have of snowflakes. And I live in Eastern Canada. I’ve seen a pile of fucking snowflakes. This pile of dogshit is actually a shorter version of another commercial they made a few months back. Shorter should be better and less annoying right? Wrong. At least in the longer version you didn’t have some fucking idiot read the text to us. Oh, does that really say the original instant message? If kids can’t read that they’re not fucking smart enough to buy your piece of shit gum.
And the message they’re conveying… Oooh we’re so fucking hip. We know technology has destroyed the way people think about social relationships. A peck kiss is the original instant message. Fuck you. “Mmmlunh.” That was the original instant message. Two fucking cave assholes. One was probably trying to sell the other one a sharpened stone for 2 round ones and a stick or some fucking thing. A peck on the lips isn’t even a fucking message. It sends one, sure. But it is not, in itself, a message. I’d like to film myself hitting whatever choda-licking douche came up with this one with a sledgehammer and edit in that pop they use for when their skull caves in and blood splurts out on the lens a little.
Also… fuck off with the hip indy style music. I don’t give a shit how popular Lily Allen, Feist or any other neo-hippie, indy rock near-starlets are becoming. Just because Belle & Sebastian are showing up on a shitton of Last.fm
playlists in recent years doesn’t mean that the music sounds good. Shoo sha sho shut the fuck up.
Trident Xtra Care – Thank You
This one… angers me beyond words. When I watch it, I want to puke. Creating this shit is what someone is using their graphic arts degree on. They went to school for years to learn how to design and animate. And this thing is what they’re using their hard earned skills for.
The idea is tired. The use of computer animation is tired. The making up of words is tired. Seriously, Recaldent™? Recaldent™? Holy shit, I need some of that. I can almost feel the calcuim of my teeth regenerating at the look of the word. I bet the janitor needed the Xtra big mop to clean the jizz off the marketing boardroom floor.
I long for these days :
Remember then? When catchy tunes and strong sexual overtones sold us gum instead of stupid fucking animations, an annoying voice and a ridiculous face? That jingle was so successful in brainwashing me and my generation that when they made fun of it years later every one of us had a collective nostalgasm and bought some Juicy Fruit, even though the taste now lasted for only 30 seconds instead of 60.
Know how soon I’m going to buy some Trident Xtra Care? Never. Ever. If Mel buys it, I’ll throw it out. I would greatly appreciate it if they’d lick my Recaldent™.