It’s a New Year

“Hey, Bruce, it’s a new year!  You can finally stop complaining about Christmas stuff, right?”

Holy fuck are you ever wrong.
I’m still complaining about Christmas stuff, because here it is… Christmas is over…  more than 2 weeks have past since 12/25/08 and yet there are those that refuse to let it go.  The those that there are, of course, are those in the business of advertising.  Anyone on radio, or television that created an ad geared towards the Christmas/New Year’s duo, or a “Happy Holidays” jobby, is still running the piss out of their ad on every medium they can manage.

So I say to you, dear advertiser, Stop.  Just fucking stop it right fucking now.  Two weeks.  Get over it.  9 fucking days have past since New Year’s Day.  You shouldn’t even be running the New Year shit anymore.  There are no Holidays left to be happy in.  Not for months.  So just stop it right the fuck now.  I should not have to hear about elves, boxing day, boxing week, Holidays, or any of that other shit for a good long while.

If you’re the advertising director at any form of broadcasting station, be it radio, television, webpage, or even wired telegraph, and someone comes to you this week with any Holiday/New Year themed ad…  I don’t care if it’s a major client, your boss, anyone…  Here’s what I want you to do.

I want you to take out your cell phone.  I know you have one.  Take it out of your pocket, and press the little button that lights up its display.  Now, walk over to whoever presented you with this ad, and show them the date… really, really, close to their face.  Tell them that unless you missed a memo, you’re pretty fucking sure it’s not the Holiday fucking season any more, and stab them in the eye with the pointiest, sharpest edge of your phone.  Grab them by the hair and drag them into your cubicle.  Yes, your cubicle.  I know you’re not nearly important enough to actually have an office.  Point their head at the calendar on your desk.  Ruffle through the pages of the calendar with your free hand.  Ask if they see how many pages are left.  Is there a lot of them left?  If at any point they ask “What?”, I want you to bang their head against the desk.  When they’ve agreed that there are a lot of pages left, tell them the next time they come to you with a Holiday themed ad with that many pages left to a calendar, you’re going to shove a Candy Cane up their ass, twist it around, and break it off.  One for each day left on the calendar before the Holiday season returns.  They’ll know you’re serious, too… because you just got a metric shit-ton of reduced Candy Canes from Wal-mart.  Know why they’re reduced?  ‘Cause it’s not fucking Christmas anymore.

One comment on “It’s a New Year

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