Like all Fat Guys with Glasses, I pride myself on my–perhaps unhealthy–love of video games. But there is one series of games that can drive me up the fucking wall. It’s everywhere, it’s really fun, and I’m fucking useless at it.
Hello. My name is Bruce, and I suck at Guitar Hero.
Those 12 steppers are right. It does feel good to admit you have a problem.
Now, in my defense, I’m not Struggling-On-Easy-Failing-Mississippi-Queen sucky. But I am Crossing-My-Eyes-Losing-My-Fingers-Trying-To-Find-The-Orange-Button-On-Hard sucky. Of course, if you don’t know Guitar Hero, or Rockband, you might think that’s pretty good, right? I mean “Hard” should widely be considered pretty difficult right? That’s a reasonable assumption most people might make.
And like always, most people would be completely fucking wrong. On any lower setting, you’re not even using between 20 and 40% of the buttons on the Fucking Faux Plastic Guitar Controller (FFPGC). Thus, “Hard” is pretty much where the game begins.
Now my feelings of inadequacy are tripled by the fact that the people I’ve seen play this game in person, or played with online, have been able to wipe my ass sixty-three ways from Sunday without even straining their fingers. Some of these people include, but are not limited to, my brother, my brother-in-law, guys in taverns, friends of the family, cousins, stray cats, small children, goats, cottage cheese, particle colliders and, of course, my wife.
Ever get so mad that Mario just wouldn’t stop overshooting that single square of land between the two giant holes on that one level, so much so that you could feel the red, grey and black plastic controller start to bend in the middle, but you’re not even conscious of the fact that you’re applying the pressure? No? Guess that’s just me.
Anyway, seeing any of those people ripping through Guitar Hero or Rockband at speeds that my eyes can’t even track sometimes makes me want to do terrible things involving my FFPGC, electrified barbed wire, and a cute, tiny, wide-eyed little kitten.
But I stop myself because I remember that everytime I electrify barbed wire, I’m the one that ends up getting hurt. Also, FFPGCs are fucking expensive, and if I wrecked it, I’d need to replace the fucking thing so that Mel could continue to utterly demolish my sad excuses for scores in the game.
Now if you excuse me, I have to go practice.