Christmas Music

Well, it’s finally happened. With only 14 days left to go, Christmas music is finally taking a major share of airtime on the local radio stations. And as anyone who’s met me knows, I fucking love Christmas music. It makes me want to sing in joyous celebration; climb to the highest rooftop and gleefully thank all those around me for their love and appreciation.

I wonder if the sarcasm is as easily read above as I imagine it should be.

I can’t fucking stand Christmas music. It is, without a doubt, the worst form of music there is. Even Christmas tunes from artists and genres I do enjoy suck donkey dick so hard that it turns purple and explodes, donkey erectile blood running all down their faces.

Because the radio is playing a hearty helping of Christmas music now, I got to hear “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” twice today. Two fucking times I had the pleasure of hearing celebrities whose relevance has long since faded caw and croon over the poor unfortunates starving in Africa.

And now, so can you:

Don’t get me wrong. I have no objection to raising the awareness levels world hunger. I can’t stand how much guilt we have to attach to it whenever we try, but I can’t complain about the desire to help others, no matter how much the method might annoy the living piss out of me.

But this one would piss me off even if it wasn’t trying to make me feel like an asshole just because I know I’m going to have a good meal every day–thanks to my darling wife–along with a fantastic string of meals on and around Christmas Day itself. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” would still piss me off, just for the stupid fucking lyrics that don’t directly involve hunger, starvation, glimmers of hope, dying and whathaveyou.

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.” No fucking shit. You just blew my fucking mind. I hadn’t thought of that. There won’t be snow in Florida either. There won’t be snow on around a third of the land surface of the fucking planet this Christmas. What’s your fucking point?

“The only gift they’ll get this year is life.” And, you know, all the help you’re going to give them, right? You are going to give them help other than just playing this stupid fucking song over and over and over again for the next few weeks until Christmas has passed and a few more children have starved, right? But besides that… what fucking gift am I going to get this year that’s better than life? Did Bob Geldof not even read this shit he was writing? This is some dumb fucking shit.

“Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” The ones you’re singing about? Probably not. They likely don’t even give a shit–what with the majority of the continent not being fucking Christians and all.

“Feed the World. Let them know it’s Christmas Time.” Yes please. Feed them. But make sure while they’re eating, you let them know about the love of their Lord and Saviour Jesus H. Fucking Christ. Spread the word. SPREAD IT!  Don’t worry about what they believe, or disbelieve, or whatever.  Let them know.

And they keep bringing this thing out. I had to hear it twice today because they recorded a new one 4 years ago. It was the 3rd time they recorded this shit in a studio. Fuck you. It’s not any better, or relevant just because you’ve got Chris “I’m Physically Incapable of Looking More Like a Twat” Martin of Coldplay singing the opening.

He’s right. I physically couldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t hate on a bunch of people putting out a lot of effort to raise awareness of a particular issue. It was supposed to be a timeless, driving force of change, making the western world take a look around and see the shit piled around our own doorsteps. Instead, at best it’s a dated Christmas Carol that gets dusted off once a year to annoy people like me. At worst, it’s a funny reminder of just how much hair human kind was capable of growing, teasing, spraying and weaving 24 years ago. Epic fail, Bob. Epic fucking fail.

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