So, tonight I went shopping for Mel for her Birthday and Xmas. To go along with the presents, of course, there needed to be a card. I opted to get a birthday card now, and put off the Xmas one until… well… closer to Xmas.
Now, I can remember not that long ago that I had a bastard of a time trying to buy any cards for Mel. There simply were not very many “To The Woman I Love” cards out there. I know I’d seen them a thousand times on various card shelves over the years… but never were there any when I needed them. Every goddamn card on the shelf was “For My Wife”.
So this year, with Mel and I finally being officially married, I was quite excited at the prospect of having more than maybe one card on the shelf that I would even be able to buy. At least I was… until this evening.
Upon finally being able look through different birthday cards “For My Wife” there was a total of 4 different “Wife” flavoured cards. Four. Rows and rows of every other kind of female relationship you could possibly imagine. 8-10 cards each for Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Niece, Grand Daughter, Grand Daughter-In-Law, Mother, Mom, Ma, Mum, Mommy, Mother Humourous, Grandmother, Grandmother-In-Law, Aunt, Great Aunt, Sister, Sister-In-Law, Female Partner, Girl That Lives Down the Hallway in Apartment 2B, Secretary At The Health Clinic, Walmart Service Representative, Chick I Bought A Drink For At The Bar That Time, and of course Mother Religious.
What the fuck? Did the bottom fall out of marriage so much that a good “For My Wife” birthday card has to be harder to find than a birthday card for Pepper Ann, your next door neighbour’s yappy little mutt?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for diversity. I think all those other cards are great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Really. But I don’t want to only have 4 fucking cards to choose from, with 3 of them talking about how “I’d marry you all over again.” I’m going to say that to my wife? The one I’m already married to? Right now? Fuck no. Put that on the “Divorced But Looking To Reunite” birthday fucking card. I’m still fucking married, for fuck sakes.
Fortunately, though the odds were stacked against me, I think I came through with a good card. Tells her how much I love and need her and stuff… not “Hey let’s re-get-back-together” or whatever the fuck those other 3 jagged, hard pieces of arsewipe in an envelope were going on about.
And yes… Of course I’m listening to the theme to Doogie Houser M.D. right now.